Holy Moley, They aren't kidding. Although, they
is a loosely applied pronoun they indicates the
California Department of Beaches and Parks.
It is 1700 PDT and the alcohol sniffing attack dogs
are in the SONGS parking lot, boy are they pissed.
They demand action. What they are trained to do
is simple; they sniff out filled containers of alcohol.
Nobody gets by these brutes--nobody. When you pull
into Weedpatch, Old Man's, da' Point, Haw'n Gardens,
Sal Geeze's 4 Doors, you ain't gonna' believe it.
So, from all appearances it may be better if you just
stayed home, put up your ' SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY'
sign and, go ahead repair your dings. THEBIGKOOK says
they're not gonna take him alive. Well, we'll see about that.

Written by Pull my Finger.
BRUCE SAVAGE SAN ASSOCIATES

Thirty eight hours and counting. The alcoholic's nightmare
begins 12:00 A.M. Sunday morning. There will be no
grace period. The alcohol sniffing attack dogs are poised,
and ready for action. You will not beat the system, it's
all over but the shouting. Remember, you crave alcohol
at San Onofre Surfrider Beach, you will go directly to
Vista Jail, placed in a holding tank, arraigned and sent
to San Diego Municipal Court, and placed on summary
probation. The State means business in this abusive
matter. A word of advice, do not, we repeat, do not
hire a San Onofre Attorney, thinking they'll they'll
plea bargain for a suspended sentence. Maybe, you should GOOGLE Vista Jail. If you think hard rubber dildos are
bad, wait'll a giant senor gets you mano a mano. OUCH!

Written by El Elephanto.
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

MARANATHA PRAISE THE LORD!



For all faithful beach drunks, listen up!
On June 30th, Sunday night , there shall
be a candlelight vigil at entrance kiosk in
order to save drinking on the beach. It is
our Gawd given right to consume large
amounts of alcohol at San Onofre Surfrider
State Beach. July 1st 2007, the no alcohol
mandate goes into effect. This means if you
step out of the water after a rightous sesh you
will be subject to have your ass tossed into
the Vista jail, your car will be towed and im-
pounded at your expesnse. You know what
that means. Yep, $250.00 plus $95.00 per diem
storage fee. Your attendance at the 'vigil' is
truly a necessity. Thank you for your cooperation.

Written by Gerry Beard.
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

Finally, the SOSC BOD, acting on a recomendation
by Sal Geeze, our Club has agreed to aquire a beach
dog to fulfill the deams of animal owners who don't
have the resources for an animal to haul down to
Ol' Nofre to evacuate it's bowels on the sand so
a toddlar can walk barefoot and step in the mess
stinking up the kid's foot. How is it going to work?
Well, the Club will raise dues by 1% so they can
head directly to the pound, purchase the stray
animal, and bring it to the beach for all to love
and cherish. There shall be a $15.00 entry fee
to name the beach dog. If your name wins the
Club will receive a 6 month's supply of Kibbles
and Bits for the beach dog. This 2007 summer
will be the hottest ever. If you will donate a
shiney dog water bowl you will have your photo
in the 2008 Club annual with the beach dog
and Harrold 'Froggy' Diamond.

Written by Dr.Ross.
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

http://surfermag.com/features/onlineexclusives/surfers-healing-june-2007/

For all SOSC BOD and Rank and File. Now then,
this is what happens in the REAL WORLD of
SURFING when you visit Malibu out west of the
Big City of L.A. Give up your bocci-balls, your
cherry-pit spitting contest, your January 1st
Polar Bear go out, and your Go Raiders
attitude. You wanna be part of the real world
of surfing, get your ass up here to Malibu, where
your are welcomed 365/24/7. The best attraction
is there is no drinking Buds or any of that
other high school stuff. Come to think of it,
the people up here aren't in a fantasy land
You can, however, have alcohol on the beach,
but you should know Malibu surfers will mock
you no end. Folks up here don't like to be
confused with No. San Diego County alcoholics,
such as those who frequent Old 'Nofre.

Written by Saul Seltzer.
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

Well, it appears San Onofre ain't ready for
the BIG SHOW. Listen to this now, another
nut case sends mail to the effect, "Malibu is
no big deal, you drive two and a half hours,
spend $50.00 gas, no bamboo shade, no
ice plant, while they think they're some
sort of screaming 'big shot', whining brats
with their overweight mothers yapping
on the cell phone all day, only to get a drunk
driving ticket at the South Bay Curve on the
405 at Artesia." C'mon gang, keep it real.
We can't figue why somebody lives in Pasadena
would take the San Diego Freeway, anyways.
There is, however, good news, finally. Yup,
the State plans have been approved, and Coastal
Permits have been attained to pave [finally] the
rocky, dusty, bumpy, dirt road, and add 600
additional parking slots in the hillside structure
(which simply means underground parking).
The fellow says it shall put Malibu to shame.
Now, with the no alcohol mandate, more families
with dogs and young children, will call San
Onofre home.

Written by Harold 'Froggie' Diamond.
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES INC.

Oh my, after returning from fabled Malibu,
the place where Tinker Bell scattered her
Magic Pixie Dust, boy was I in for a surprise.
The two most disgusting things I've seen during
my abbreviated career in surfing are The filthy
anitquated San Onofre dirt road and the Wall
there at Malibu, you know the one saying ' Dora
Lives'. it's shameful the San Onofre Surfing Club
and the MSA (Malibu Surfing Association) allows
this to happen. Oh well, might be they want to
preserve those two eyesores for when Pete Peter-
son and Barney Wikes return from the dead, thinking
things had never changed. Well, they have changed
and, if I may add, for the worse. The County of
Los Angeles, along with City of Santa Monica, hav
the most attractive parking lots for beachgoers
in the country. I just don't why the SOSC BOD
doesn't get off their duff and pave their bumpy
dirt road. That, however, is miniscule compared to
crumbling wall, once a Adamson Family landmark,
it sticks out like a missing thumb. Except for the
'hot dog' man's guard dog, there's no loose animals,
such as those who roam freely at Ol' Nofre,
Irregardless, The Wall and the poor dirty and
dusty dirt road most go. So, let's get with it SOSC
BOD and MSA, schitt or get off the pott.

Written by Surfwriter's Foundation.
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES ESQ.

We know yow you read about it on internet,
but the Surfer's Healing Bonanza was a smash.
Why, you ask. The Big Kook, who is like a fish out of
water at the blahs beach, a.k.a., Old San Onofre,
or 'Ol Man'z, but when you get him up to God's
country, Malibu, you are in for a treat. Yup, when
we arrived Saturday A.M. Big Kook was in high gear.
He just returned from an $18.00 3 egg omlette, a
gallon of Starbuck's java, and he paid cash on
the barrel head, grabbed a copy of the Malibu
Times, stiffed the Afghanistan waiter, grabbed
a handfull of toothpicks, strolled out the door,
heading for the fabulous 'Pit' joining Kemp Aaberg,
Tubesteak, The Masochist, the Hot Dog Vendor,
the vendor's dog, two Los Angeles County Sheriffs,
everybody except the beach troll, Missing a Toe
George. Jennifer had enough food to feed an arny,
Big Kook tried to gobble it all up. It sure is nice
T-Bird can't get to the Pier, however, those
Sheriffs would love to get their cuffs on him,
like, "Mr. Beard, you have the right to remain
silent", well you know the rest. It's wonderful
going to Malibu, as nobody up there knows
where the hell SAN-O is. Heck, they don't
even kow who Mr. FedEx is.

Written by Jack Miller.
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES