July 11 2004 Get Even Day

NOTHING EVER GOES EASY AT 'NOFRE NO MORE.

Someone in Chicago posted a nude photo of Superindendant

Dairywimple's wife, Joleen stark naked at Trail six. It

appeared a prank, but Dairywimple didn't appreciate it--at all.

So, Monday morning all beach latrines will be closed until

further notice while State installs a Missouri Sewer Pump

Station to alleviate the raw sewage runoff of the public latrine

system at 'Nofre. What happened was the septic tanks clogged

causing waste to flow freely into the ocean causing a putrid

and foul smell near the BIGKOOK'S Banana Plantation located

in front of Bldg. #4. Everythimg was saling along real smooth

until the nude photo of Joleen appeared yesterday on

TUBESTEAK'S FORUM posted in Chicago IL. According to Ranger

Ephriam, that was the straw breaking the camel's back. It was

a hot illustration, but you could tell it was a product of

Photoshop. The picture was full frontal nudity, but if you

know Joleen, you could tell everything was doctored to the max.

I believe it now, when Super Dairywimple says he doesn't get

mad he gets even.

TUBESTEAK/ONLOOKER
Special To City News Desk

July 10th stay at home.

Before you do another thing go see the last hour of

Stacy Peralta's "RIDING GIANTS". It'll make you wonder what the

hell you're doing surfing. Its that terrifying. Better yet, stick

with your bocci ball.

TUBESTEAK/PAVING.THE.WAVE
Two on the ailse, please

July 9th Too much too soon.

Wherever you are when you read this, you should be happy where

you are because things ain't getting no better here at 'Nofre.

No Siree. Bad news first! The okay to pave the old dirt road was

issued yesterday, the graders are in place, dump trucks await

the go-ahead for debri removal, and, boy, are the near-homless of

KOOKPATCH annoyed. They've taken a nifty slogan, "Why Us",

turning it into their battle cry. BIGKOOK received an updated

progress report. You'll never guess his reaction, "Tough

Schitt and Tough Totems". BIGKOOK now resides at Camp Paskowitz

this summer, acting groundskeeper, trash moniter, and Psychiarist

Counseler. BIGKOOK picks up pizza for Camp Paskowitz, delivers it

to Mission Lagoon, in exchange for two comp coupons for hisself.

His board was nearly stolen day before yesterday. Superintendant

Dairywimple and Ranger Ephriam will vist Camp tomorrow lecturing

the kids how important safety is. I think they understand the

campgrouds are iffy. I feel Dairywimple knows this ain't State

Park. I pray Ranger Ephriam has presence of mind to lock the

Ranger's vehicle. Most of you have visited the Camp Paskowitz,

and are aware of the internal problems facing THEBIGKOOK.

Some prankster placed a bumper sticker on 'KOOK'S van reading:

"ANGER IS A SIGN OF HEALING!" Somebody said the kid was from

New Jersey. I don't know, but BIGKOOK sure is pissed since

reading it.

TUBESTEAK/RIDING.GIANTS
Special to the Oceanside Blade

July 8th Good News Finally!

AT 'NOFRE'S HAW'N SERENADE AT THE WAYNE MUMBREY LOUNGE,

last night in the "Bamboo Room" Ranger Ephriam granted an

all-inclusive permit that the SOSC BOD couldn't refuse.

That's correct. Ranger allowed repealing the fair trade

amendment,limiting the amount of money the Club could

charge for the "50th Anniversary" Bulky Tees to $50.00

per shirt (tax included) for the Luau. Ticket prices remain

unchanged. The "Gut Bucket and Ukelele Brigade" announced

the theme would be "Haw'n Polka" music. Superintendent

Dairywimple informed the crowd there's a good

chance the "No Drinking on Beach" takes effect Luau morning.

You members should praise the Lord you have a fantastic BOD.

I had to visit PB yesterday. Now there's a zoo.

TUBESTEAK/TALENT
Special to San Clemente Reader 7/9/2994

July 7th Offshore Shark Breeding Ground

Dr.Gleshna returned his findings, with photos, on the underwater

abyss, sheltering a giant pool of man-eating Great Whites living

large, 60 yards outside of Ol'Man's. Dr.Gleshna's recommendation

is to quarantine 'Nofre until his Shark Scarecrows can be stalled,

allowing the waters to once again be safe for surfers. The fee

for shark scarecrows is $250.00 per day, billed directly to SOSC

BOD payable 90 days same as cash. It might be another dues

increase will be mandated to cover expenses. Paid attendance

is down 60% because of man-eaters multiplying in the trench.

Take your choice, being gobbled by a huge, hungry, fish, or

infected by latrines #1&2's virus escaping to the tidal waters

because of Bldg. #4 raw sewage outlet draining through the

Bamboo Forrest and Banana Plantation. BIGKOOK is in San Diego,

Ranger Ephriam ain't returning calls. Where's Surfriders

Foundation now that we need them?

TUBESTEAK/SHARK!SHARK!'
Special to San Diego Union Tribune

July 6th "OLD MAN'S"

Six AM, all members of the elite Ranger Corp were out

welcoming Dr.Robert Gleshna MD, shark master, water

colors painter, jack-of-all-trades, invited to combat

SANO'S overnight killer shark invasion. Ever since 7/1/2004

State's gate monies have dwindled causing a huge deficit in

their budget. Dr.Gleshna, Tiburon Identifier, has painted

several shark reactions in the Great Lakes Region, and as Ranger

Ephriam points out, "He knows his business." All this morning,

Dr.Gleshna will be painting any shark movement offshore and

his paintings can be purchased at our Visitor Information

Center located adjacent to Bldg.#4, latrines 1&2. Meanwhile

'Nofre will shut down until 6:00 AM 7/7/2004 for safety sake.

Thank you so much for your cooperation in this matter. You can

bet the locals will find something about which to gripe while

they clear 4th of July cobwebs from their knumb skulls.

The State pays Dr.Gleshna's $15,000.00 consultation fee.
TUBESTEAK/DANA.WHARF

JULY 4th On the way to "No Way 'Nofre!"
YOU COULD FEEL IT IN THE AIR. THINGS AIN'T RIGHT.
Maybe it's weather, maybe it's gas prices, maybe it's
exorbitant Beach Entrance Fees. Who knows, at least they're
not beheading anyone. First stop, Starbucks in town, for a
extra sweet cafe latte and day old zucchini muffin ($9.50).
Freeway finally empty, there ain't gonna'be no line, maybe
Ranger Ephriam and SOSC BOD should thank Gov.Arnold for
jacking prices to $10.00 in his target price of $20.00 by
1/1/2005. I wish it was the mid-twenties when Blake,
"Duke", Whitey, Freeth, and all the gang were here. No
hideous bamboo patch, concrete block cesspopol toilets,
volley courts, home-made rickety picnic tables, trashy
looking creosote soaked telephone pole logs, none of that
garbage the hoi-paloi think is trendy. There never was any
surfers here, now it's pathetic, sorta like L.A.Centro.
Dogs on twenty-five foot leashes outnumber the cell phone
users, who stand in the middle of the dusty, rock filled,
filthy, "prehistoric dirt road" talking real loud,
gesticulating with stupid hands. It reminds me of the
Santa Ana garmet district. Surfing is over at 'Nofre forever.
Oops, I forgot our Club Luau is right around the corner.
TUBESTEAK/THE.FAT.LADY.SINGS