Firs toff, I only report the news I don't make it. Received over 50 emails from irate Card Carrying Surf Club Members who think the Best/Worst of list was promulgated by me. Well, no way Rene! The lion's share of Club member's gripes were if I don't like the San Onofre go back to Malibu/90265 and good riddence to bad rubbish. Another bitch they have is the Club doesn't like the same guys hanging out on the log, chug-a-lugging Coor's Light when you first come down the primitive dirt road. Members say it gives the Club a bad name. Club members insist the surf club owns, free and clear, the beach to the mean high tide line. The Surf Club feels that kayakers, canoers, and PWC people have the same rights, as long as they
join the club. They indicated Wednesday night jam sassions are for members only. A few of the emails said the price of Club Luau tickets will increase to $60.00 a head for tickets. I replied to those emails with, "Yeah, but if you don't go you'll be $60.00 a head." The BOD wants The Legend's of San Onofre to be pemently enshrined in a special ceremony to be held at Old Man's Shack. Checked with THEBIGKOOK and he goes in for a facelift Monday.
TUBESTEAK/REPORTE

SAN ONOFRE'S BEST/WORST OF:

Best: Beautiful Uncrowded Conditions Wost: Overpriced Annual Pass
Best: Friendly Rangers
Best: Very Light Surface Chop
Best: Helpful and Wise BOD
Best: Wind Indicator
Best: Orange County;'s Cleanest Beach
Best: Alert Lifeguards
Best: Secure Parking
Best: Well Behaved Children
Best: Lively Bocci Ball Games

Worst: 2004 Annual Annual Pass Spike ($279.00)
Worst: More Members Drive (Goal 2,500)
Worst: 2004 Alcohol Ban
Worst: More Parking for Fishermen
Worst: Primitive Dirt Road Replaced with Blacktop
Worst: Underground Sewers with Manhole Covers
Worst: Concrete Water Overflow Culverts
Worst: No Frisbie Playing
Worst: No Furniture on Sand Without Ranger Approval
Worst: Stop After 1,500 Cars In
TUBESTEAK/RANGER*EMERITUS

BIGKOOK Medical Diagnosis. The lab report came back for THEBIGKOOK. Here goes:
Severe chest pains are Gastroesophageal Refrlux Disease. "GERD". No white wine. More vegetables and fruit.
Severe Tinnitus (ringing in the ears). Diagnosis Chronic Hypertension" HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE". Upon advice from ACLU THEBIGKOOK dropped his Class Action Lawsuit and is practicing Yoga on his way to a healthy lifestyle. Way to go, 'KOOK.
TUBESTEAK/MALIBU

All hEll busted loose two days ago on Wednesday. The Nuclear Bomb Warning Alert Sirens wailed for an agonizing 19 minutes, scaring the living bejeezus out of THRBIGKOOK. He was apparently "hung over", passed out in hs Great White Van, terrified, fearing for his life he departed immediatly for the Emergency Room complaining of chest pains and tinnitus, which as you know, is ringing in the ears. At 10:00 AM he has an appointment with the ACLU to discuss his rights to a Class Action Suit. Good luck BIGKOOK you deserve at. The consensus on the beach is you're looking at three million five. It appears you'll never have to work another day the rest of your life.
TUBESTEA

All the time you hear about this San Onofre character called THEBIGKOOK. Yesterday was the shock of my life. There is no BIGKOOK. There is no TEAM/BIGKOOK. What's going on here? I just don't know. Methinks NeoN had something to do with THEBIGKOOK'S. Appearance down there at SHARK'S VILLE USA. If there is a BIGKOOK I know how to "flush" him out. Here's how. SANO RATPACK is sponsoring "an all you can eat barbacoa" om the beach at 'Ol Man's. Ribs soaked in Barbacue sauce, meatloaf, cole slaw, Frito jumbo chips to scoop up rhe clam-dip, cashews, corn on the cob, burgers, olives, and best of all, to lure him out into the open, an imported wooden keg of sake flown from Mainland Japan for all to enjoy. If tjis doesn't smoke THEBIGKOOK out nothin will. It ia all free. Parking is free. Booze is free. Come one, come all. Leave yor wallet home.
SANTA/CLAUS/SOUTH/POLE&EASTER?BUNN

...and then it happens. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Knockwurst and chunky stle peanut butter don't mix. Anyways, I'm position in line at my bank, when a severe case of diarreah hits. I lead with a giant ka-boom plodger, immediatly stinking up the line as if there was no tomorrow. Talk about bad timing this elderly lady immediatly faints dead on the floor...I thought I'd better get out of there--pronto and....
TUBESTEAK/SMOG*ALERT

WAKE UP gringos, before it's too late!
TUBESTEAK/AMERIKA

Finally, some good news. Ranger Dairywimple left a document signed by the Hon. Gray Davis Dem. Governor of the State of Califonia.certifying THEBIDKOOK can begin construction of the San Onofre Miracle Surfrider State Beach Childrens's Crocodial Petting Zoo. It shall be completed in conjunction with the paving of the "primitive dirt road". The club members are furious because they want the beach to look the same as it did at the turn of the century. Congratulations, BIGKOOK and Ranger Dairywimple, way to go.
TUBESTEAK/SURFRIDER/MALIBU*PIER

ATTN: Surfers! You'd better get your asses down to the Miracle Beach, Home of the BIGKOOK, because right now they are posting the "BEACH CLOSED NO SURFiNG UNTIL CHRISTMAS NO EXCEPTIONS". Talked to the ND for Channel 8 KFMB and those signs are for real.
TUBESTEAK*SURFRIDER/MALIBU*PIER

UH, OH, you're not doing to like this at all. If you camp out at the "San Onofre Regional Surfrider State Beach" and see all the
back hoes, graders, dump trucks, survey crews and porta-potties.
Guess why? You're correct. Today's the day they commence paveing the "primitive" dirt road, and replace it with non-slip asphalt, the same as all other State Parks up and down our precious coast. There's nothing you surfers can do to halt the 10/1/2003 procedure. The painters will spray and number the 950 parking spaces. See what happens when you stay home on the weekend. TODAY THE ROAD, TOMORROW THE WORLD.
TUBESTEAK/PCH*101

Their Candlelight Vigil on Mt.San Onofre was a beautiful success, so beautiful Ranger Dairymple authorized THEBIGKOOK license to open the "San Onofre Recreational Surfrider Paradise Beach Children's Petting Zoo"next weekend. It will be structured after the reality show smash hit, "Crocodile Chaser" featuring THEBIGKOOK as "Curator". Details will follow.
TUBESTEAK/SURFRIDER/MALIBU*PIER