March 5, 2005 San Onofre State Farm.

Lady Urine arrived at The Old 'Nofre yesterday noon, took one
look around, and said, "You gots a problem here, and I have your
solution." She called for Rangers Dairywimple, Ephriam, and Intern
Ranger "Bamboo" Larson. "As long as these surfers insist on
bringing their loose animals to the beach, and not use the State
provided facilities, then this is what you must do, follow me to the
San Diego Wild Life Preserve with two 55 empty gallon drums,
and your problem will be solved." Four hours passed, and they returned
with 110 gallons of lion piss on board. Lady Urine instructed Dairywimple,
Ranger Craig, Intern Bamboo, on how to spray the 'lion territory' marking
scent throughout 'Nofre, then watch the fun begin when the Irish Setters,
Black Labs, and Vanessa the English Bulldog get a whiff of that stuff. "This
is not going to make the Club's loose animal dog owners happy, but I
guarantee 't'll make your beach more attractive without all their stupid
animals crapping all over the place," said Lady "Urine".

Written by Uncle Matty
JUICE SAVAGE AND ASSOCIATES

March 4, 2005 Calimari Bay

The year was 1960, the locale, Arroyo Sequit rock in LA County. Early in his workday, State Lifeguard, "Murph" McMurphy, stopped at Paradise Cove to "poach some bugs" for the cookout at Malibu Colony after his duty. His station wagon eased down the road, towards the pier. 6:00 AM is cold in the fall, but "Murph" paid no attention to the nip in the dawn sky. He took the scuba innertube, draped burlap, adjusted his gardening gloves, and kicked toward the kelp bed. Clad only in his rayon trunks, "Murph" surfaced dived to the lobsterfest and apprached a trap. He saw a huge bug, at least a 20#er, skimming along the sand, trapped in its wire prison. Ah Ha, said "Murph" as he inserted his gloved hand into the entrance to the cage, wrapped his massive hand around his prize, pulling it from the cage, almost clear, the squirming 20 pounder frenzied, jerking to an fro, in an attempt its freedom. The jerking and twisting, "Murph's refusad to let go, his arm was forced into the wire sharp cage entrance, exposing the vein in the arm. "Murph", blood gushing from his arm, in severe pain. dropped the huge lobster and headed for the surface, before the "man-eater squid" arrived. "Murph" leaving the water, raced to his station wagon and speed shifted out of there. His not so "severe wound" looked worse than it was, you kinow how blood is in water. Several miles down 101 he looks at his gas meter. Empty. He pulls into a Mohawk Gas Station, the attendant walks up and seeing the wound, asks "Murph" what happened. He answeres I'm a State Life Guard attacked by a pod of squid The gas-jockey says you'd better get to the emergancy room, and fast. "Murph" did go to the ER hoping for the newspaper reporters to arrive seeking a Great White Squid attack scare story. They got it, and "Murph" got on several TV shows and made $10,000.00 off his "ordeal'. BIGKOOK take heed, if you play your cards right with this so called "squid scare", you've got you a house on Beach Road.

Written by "Dypso" Calypso
JUICE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

Mar 3, 2005 Jesus Juice sold here.

Guess what I stumbled across at Ranger Headquarters? If you said THEBIGKOOK'S application was approved, by Ranger Dairywimple, you were right. I went to oppose the Fee spike from $125.00 to $277.00 effective 7/1/2005. You must purchase by 6/30/2005. There is no "Five Day Grace Period". You snooze, you loose. Laying on Ranger Dairywimple's desk was the approved Parade Permit for THEBIGKOOK'S "St.Patrick's Day Parade". It seems BIGKOOK is naming his event ,"The Sankapoho Day Parade". The permit states BIGKOOK will take his parade north to where the dirt road elbows, back to the "primitive dirt road", foward to the Nuclear Power Plant, U turns back towards Point Paradise where all "Friends of Surfing" will partake in Green Beer Frothies. All your favorites will be there for autographs i.e.NeoN, Turtle, Kid 'n Bro, Terry Beard, Rusty, Freddie the Legend, and many more. Watch this page for futher details as they come in. This will be conducted like a "Surfing Town Hall Meeting", however, in the name of good taste there shall be no SOSC BOD in attendance. So, "come one come all", and don't forget your dancing shoes.

Wrytten by Joey Conroy.
BRUCE SNAUSAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

March 27, 2995 And you got problems.

Seeing is believing, howerver, had I not read it here
I wouldn't have believed it. The reason this page is late
I drove to Beach San Onofre just to see what was going down this Easter
morning, and I couldn't believe my eyes. Lieutenant Dairywimple
and Ranger Ephriam were manning the toll-kiosk, checking credentials,
making sure all papers were in order. They waved us through, saying they
are under orders not to talk to anyone. It's an eerie felling driving along
the "primitive dirt road" already chewed up by two half-tracks on patrol.
Buildings one through six are now Stalags housing the latrurinals. The Haw'n
Surf Monument a.k.a."Four Doors" has been reassigned Hauptviertel for
Leutnant Claus von Mueller, and Herr Karr, Ret. SS. Not a hint of the SOSC
BOD. I think they may have seen the light. "Achtung! Stay where you are.
Stay in your vehicle." Oh, oh, now they've got us. Hermann Clause approaches
the car. "This is no longer San Onofre Family Beach, it is now San Onofre
Municipal Field, Non-Members only. It looks as if this is only the beginning. "
I think what Claussie means, there ain't gonna be no gaddamn Easter
egg hunt this morning.

March 1,, 2005 Schitt hitz the fan.

This here computer lightst up like a Christmas tree after
yesterday's great news. Dairywimple's giving surfing
back to the kids. Taleaga emails favored "öut with the
old, in with the new". Taleaga Tillie (not real name) said,
"If the old guys don't like it, give it up, they can become
surfing coaches." 'Old Fellow's' not very happy, "Hell, I'm
in my late forties, I want to participate in the old timer's
"Golden Oldies" against Jack Miller, Tom Witt, Les Williams,
Bobby Keifer, and Vonzo Gonzo Morandzo, yeah all them greats
of surfing. Old Timer, I don't think you're going to make it.
Get a 'tude. Be a judge. Unless you're over 90, I don't think
people know who Dr.Barney Wilkes was. Some people want
BIGKOOK to show at the Taleaga meeting tonight with
his Kenny Rodger's rendition of, "You got to know when
to hold them, and know when to fold them!" When was the
last time you saw a 60+ year old at Yankee Stadium trying
to shag fly balls with Lou Gerhig?

Weitten by Rip vanWilkes.
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

Febuary 27, 2005 Seeing is believing.

Yesterday was typical 'Nofre junk surf and muddy water.
This morning I took a chance going down early to check things
out, and, boy was I in for a surprise. As a victim of chronic insomnia
I arrived just at daybreak, made the turn south, parrelling the shoreline,
then it got scary, real scary. Have you seen the Teletubbes show when
Tinky Winky, Laa Laa, Dipsy, Po, and their pet, Noo Noo, when the
Windmill starts up, the gang lay on their back, kicking their legs
and feet staring at the sky. That's what it was early thjs morning
when I got there. All those renegades and NeoN were on their
back, staring at the heavens. It looked as if. they were stroke victims
or those space travelers from La Costa's Heavens Gate. A little past that,
some guy was hunkered over a campfire sauteeing clams in Febuary.
A lot of strange things happen at that beach. There are so many bloated
rats dead in the water, beady eyes bulging, drowned a week. It was not a
pretty sight. I'm never going back.

Written by Simon LeGree
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES