DATELINE 6/12/2004 SPECIAL TO WALL ST.JOURNAL
LARRY'S GONE, THE BEAST IS GONE, 'NOFRE'S BACK TO NORMAL.
The bocci player's are styling. Superintendent Dairywimple
and Ranger Ephriam pulled it off. The latrines are sanitized,
trash-bins emptied, beach raked, broken glass removed, and the No Smoking On Beach signs in place. Now, if they can
get the MIRACLE GROW working on the butchered bamboo, everyone
would be happy as a pig in garbage. Maybe if SOSC BOD can
score $15,000,000.00 they can buy the beach-front situs
and do "what they damn well please" and keep most people
happy. Superintendent Dairywimple issued the Surf Club a pass
for their contest to be held the three day 4th of July, which ain't such a bad idea because the Club'll make fortune
without even a license, which will make the waiting Line
longer than ever. Well, it's time to head down there
and see how the SOSC BOD can get their other tit caught in
the wringer.
TUBWSTEAK/OUCH

DATELINE 8/10/2004 CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR
FRIDAY'S A.M. RECAPITULATION SAN ONOFRE STALAG 4 LATRINE #1
After a late arrival "Beach Inspection", Park Supervisor,
Schnabel, assisted by trainee Karl Schultz, stumbled upon
the "Giant Beast" shoved into one of the stalls. Schnabel
wanted answers. On his bullhorn he ordered Ranger Ephriam, attending an "old folks" guitar and jug band (while on State's payroll). Ranger excused himself and ran to Stalag #4 where
Schultz and Schnabel stood, with swagger sticks poised.
"Good evening, Herr Hauptman, vas is los", said Ranger Ephriam.

Both Schnabel and Schultz rolled their eyes as if what's
this guy saying?

"What is the meaning of this, Ranger?" said Schnabel pointing
his swagger stick at the "Giant Beast".

"Well sir, the "Beast" washed ashore yesterday and we're
awaiting disposal instructions from headquarters," said
Ranger. Schultz noticed a huge piece of flesh missing
from "Beast's" rear end. "Beast" had swollen thrice
it's normal size, and after days of laying around had
started to ripen. Schultz looked to Schnabel for advice.
Down from the Stalag, across the "primitive dirt road",
the State had within 24 hours annihilated the "Bamboo
Forrest and Banana Plantation, leaving a ditch resembling
a mass grave.

"It appears a man-eating shark put the bite on him,"
Schultz couldn't hold back a guffaw.

"Nice one, Hauptman," said Schultz.

"We will dispose of the "Beast" now, won't we Ranger?"
said Schnabel, "Do those banjo players have a permit to
perform on the beach?

"No sir, they don't," bleated Ranger Ephriam.

"Order them over here, and we shall issue them one,"
said Schnabel, "if not the beach is shut down." Schnabel
meant business. Ranger whistled for the band to come
forward. Disgruntled the sidemen came to the latrine.
Looked at the "Giant Beast" sprawled on the concrete
front of the public drinking fountain. Schnabel ordered
Schultz to retrieve a chain from the State vehicle.

"You men, hook the "Beast" up and drag him to the open
pit across the road," said Schnabel, "Now!" The band
wrapped "Beast" with the chain, dragging it across the
road to the grave. "Ranger, douse him good with plenty
of gasoline and ignite it." The "Bamboo Room" players
did just that, and while the beach watched in horror,
Ranger Ephriam, holding it like it was the Olympic
Torch, threw the flaming stick into the grave and walked
away.
TUBESTEAK/UP.IN.SMOKE

DATELINE 8/9/2004 KNIGHT-RIDDER NEWS SERVICE
SAN ONOFRE YESTERDAY, WAS PRETTY AS A PICTURE SO PRETTY
Supervisor Hans Schnabel decided it would be a perfect day
for him and Trainee Karl Schultz to sort of "drop in" on
their beach. The setting sun hung over the horizon like
a Chinese lantern, orange as orange can be, the water was an
intense teal color, the surf was near perfect. It was nearing 5:00 PM when Schnabel and Schultz turned onto the "primitive
dirt road" heading toward the Power Plant.

"Shultz, this will be your assigned territory," said Schnabel,
"I know you will like it."

"Ja whol, Herr Schnabel, it is like a desert here," said Schultz.

"Ja, Schultz," said Schnabel as they cruised by Stalags #1&2.
"I want to show you the progress Ranger Ephriam has done
with the latrines," said Schnabel as he aimed their vehicle
toward Stalag 3B. They alighted from the auto, both carrying fibreglass swagger sticks, outfitted in dark brown riding
britches, brown shirts with State Park logo in the sleeve,
and shiny boots. Both carrying 9mm German Lugars. Side by side
by side they approached urinal #1 of 4.

"You do the honors, Herr Schultz," said Schnabel. For Schultz,
as a trainee, this was definitely a feather in his cap.
Schultz reached for the door handle, swung it ajar, let out
a gasp as the door opened exposing the Giant Beast Ranger
Ephriam had shoved in, awaiting the coroners report.

"Ach, himmel," shouted Schnabel as he pulled his Luger,
emptying the clip into the lifeless Beast.

"Vas is los," said Schultz.

"Schultz, go to the vehicle, bring the bullhorn immediately,"
said Schnabel. Schultz sprinted to the vehicle, pulled the
bullhorn, sprinted back to the latrine where the Giant
Beast had now slumped on the concrete face down. Schultz
handed the bullhorn to Schnabel. Schnabel clicked it on.

"Attention Ranger Ephriam, report to latrine #1B on
the double, that means Now!" shouted Schnabel.

TUBESTEAK/UH-OH

DATELINE SAN ONOFRE 6/8/2004 REUETERS NEWS SERVICE
GIANT BEAST WASHES ASHORE AT OLD MAN'S LAST EVENING.
A gruesome, foul smelling, corpse washed ashore in front
of Haw'n Garden's Four Doors, causing confusion among the
loose running farm dogs. The Forensic Coroner is unable
to trace the origin or the identity. Ranger Ephriam is in
charge of deposition of it's remains. Dairywimple suggested
it washed south from the boundaries of Richard Henry Dana Boat Sanctuary West Basin. Because of this unforeseen event the
"paddle-out" for the "Kamakazi Kid" is postponed indefinitely. Unfortunately, the "San Clemente Junior Lifeguard Award Ceremonies" is now on the back-burner until Ranger solves the case. If you are a member of the "Old Timer's" Wednesday
night "Sam Conroy Bamboo Room Lounge", call this number:
949.555.0074 for re-booking.
TUBESTEAK/SHAMUS

DATELINE 6/7/2994 SAN ONOFRE CA
SNUFFY "THE KAMAKAZI KID" MCGOWAN 116 YEARS YOUNG,
passed on to the "other side" last Friday. Born in
the 1800's, the first great 'Nofre Legend, frequently
rode "Mecca" (then called Kamakazi Point), famous for
innovating the famous "Kamakazi" head stand in the 1920's.
This afternoon an open casket public viewing will take place beneath the rickety palm frond shack in front of Old Man's (formerly called The Outer Reef) in the shade. Open Casket
affairs are outlawed at 'Nofre, however Superintendent
Dairywimple signed a waiver allowing the service to
proceed. According to his close friend an colleague, Jim
Irwin, Snuffy was a great pioneer, along with "Pop"
Procter and announcer Irwin. Although paddle-outs are
prohibited by a State Mandate, Dairywimple overruled the
proclamation and will allow the paddle-out to proceed
as scheduled. The San Onofre Country Retirement Home
in conjunction with the Old Folks Jug Band will play
Aloha Oi Ve during the aquatic ceremony.
TUBESTEAK/BYE.SNUFFY