TRUTH IS SOMETIMES STRANGER THAN FICTION. HERE'S WHY:

It's Saturday morning, the Rangers were nowhere to be seen.

They were scarce as hen's teeth. Craig (Chi), surfing daredevil

out of Southside Chicago, a.k.a. Surfing's Ambassador of

Goodwill, delivered a syllabus on the beautiful, but mis-

understood, past time of Great Lake Surfing. Included in

his two hour presentation he presented TUBESTEAK with a swell

book on the Lakes, including photographs of the boys surfing

waves two feet in height in sub-freezing 30o water. OUCH!

During Q&A Session, he was asked by BIGKOOK if Lakesurfers

wore wetsuits when it's that chilly. "You bet, BIGKOOK,

we sure do," said Craig. The minute class was over, TIKIMATT

provided the "cling wraps" with a delicious Chicago Style

BBQ on a sesame seed roll, French-dip style au jus. The grub

was so good, I went back for seconds, however, BIGKOOK

gobbled the remaining tri-tip delicacies right before everyone's

hungry eyes. Now here's where it gets interesting. TIKI MATT

presented the second tri-tip fresh off the smoker. I don't

know whom, but somebody, not one of the "cling-wrappers"

showed with a gallon container of macaroni and slaw laying

on the picnic table. THEBIGKOOK'S ready to dig in when Ranger

Ephriam stands, presents his Ranger's badge, shouting,

"Let's see some permits for this BBQ!"said Ranger. "Permit!

What permit," said BIGKOOK, "we don't need no stinking permit."

"Don't anyone touch that chow, it's going with me," said

Ranger. Ranger Ephriam loaded the rolls, tri-tips, slaw,

macaroni, salad, lemonade, into the State Vehicle and left.

Surfing's Ambassador of Goodwill, BIGKOOK, and ten John

Does, couldn't believe what just happened. No more free

food, more salads, no more lemonade. I noticed when

we tried to enter the 'Nofre Regional Park, we were turned

back by Ranger Ephriam at the RR crossing. We parked in SONGS

parking lot where we saw what was going on. Between the Toll

Booth and the bluff, NeoN had set, straight back folding

chairs, collapsible party tables filled with TIKI MATT'S

smoked tri-tips, sesame seed rolls, lemonade, salads, with

a gang of Rangers and Superintendent Dairywimple ready to

dig in.'
TUBESTEAK/TAINT'FAIR.MCGEE
Dateline Sunday San Onofre Regional

DATELINE FRIDAY JUNE 27 SPECIAL TO SOUTH COAST SHOPPER
THEY FINALLY LOCATED TWO 'NOFRE LEGENDS, ACTUALY THREE.

Dr. James had a book published in 1996 simply titled

"SURFING SAN ONOFRE TO POINT DUME 1936--1942" Barney Wilkes

and "Peanuts" Larson are there and could, and should, be

considered of "Legiön". Although most of them have passed on to

the "other side", Freddy Beckner, Buddy Morrisey, Frank Donahue,

Tommy Zahn, "Convertable" Larry, but my all time favorite hasn't.

One of the true beacons of surfing, E.J.Oshier still maintains

his posturing at 'Nofre's cordial Wednesday evening

semi-clambake at the recently refurbished "Bamboo Room",

bringing back old and new memories, sounds of "Route 66" to Maui

Chimes, but that isn''t what my old friend E.J.'s all about.

He,along with George Freeth, Hoppy Schwartz, Pete Peterson,

Whitey Harrison, made it all happen and I'm glad they did.

Surfboard riders, such as E.J. have been "Paving the Wave" for

almost forever. E.J. OSHIER thanks for the memories.

TUBESTEAK/SAN.ONOFRE.LIVES

DATELINE THURSDAY 6/24/2004
YESTERDAY, 'NOFRE WAS SEVERELY DEBASED BY ROGUE INTRUDERS.

Superintendent Dairywimple and Ranger Ephriam attended

the closed meeting yesterday in El Toro to secure votes

modifying San Onofre from Surfriding Beach to "A Great Park",

featuring municipal plunge, merry-go-round, hiking trails,

outdoor amphitheatre, slow-pitch baseball diamonds, signups

for salami league summer teams, doggie bark park, all this

due to [because of] anticipated failure of the proposed

toll road being derailed. The present SOSC BOD will be

transplanted to Doheny State Beach overseeing and

adviseing the Doheny Longboard Association how a surf

club should be run. The "Great Park" is scheduled to open

Summer, 2005. Ranger is negotiating with Mission Beach to

relocate the wooden roller coaster here. Anticipated fees

project to $18.00 a day valet parking, $45.00 entrance fee,

programs $6.50, sodas, sandwiches, chips will be available

at Tony's snack bars, scattered throughout the ten acre beach.

The grounds shall feature a children's petting zoo, a crocodile

aquarium, glass bottom boat ride, and a small fishing wharf

for the children. All resources will come from State allocated

funds. Starting 7/4/2004 an on site hiring kiosk will open for

business at Old Man's. In short, 'Nofre is gone!
TUBESTEAK/ALOHA

DATELINE 6/22/2004 SPECIAL TO OC REGISTER
YOU COULD SEE THE HAND WRITING ON THE WALL--LITERALLY.
Last Sunday one saw the end was near, finally. Earlier
today, Wednesday, a caravan of Low-Riders cruised
"The Road to Bizzare" in candy-apple red, and green
metalflake Chevvies coming to a stop in front of
Bldg. #4, latrines 1 & 2, speakers full blast,
playing oldies but moldies. The drivers toggled the
hydraulic springs switch, they sprang, and sprang,
and sprang. With cars bouncing, La Bomba blaring,
stepped from their Low Riders, spray can in hand,
they encircled Rest Area #4, and started tagging:
VATO LOCO, POPEYE, LI'L CHERRY, FLATS, FLACO PUTO, DOGTOWN, HAZZARD, in huge gothic letters. It looked like South Side Chicago. Directly in front of latrine #1, they arranged a Memorial, tall votive candles, our Lady of Guadalupe artwork,
rosary beads, home made sympathy cards, photographs, flowers,
ribbons, and prayer towels. How--you ask? Superintendent Dairywimple and Ranger Ephriam were away on "Park Business", unable to step in and outlaw the vandalism. Naturally, the
SODC BOD were nowhere in sight. Yep, the end is near.
Wait'll you see how they papered Haw'n Gardens' 4 Door's.
You ain't gonna believe it. No way Santa Fe. When the Gut
Bucket and Jug Band Brigade sees it tonight, they're
schitt a brick, sideways. OUCH!
TUBESTEAK/HOMIE

SEA CUCUMBER, BIGKOOKS ASSISTANT AND RANGER EPHRAMS NEPHEW
suggested a different name for "primitive dirt road",
substituting "Road to Bizzare Straight Ahead". Ranger said
fill out this permit form, I'll make sure Dairywimple okays
it. Can't beat that. BIGKOOK promised he'll restore some form
of sanity to 'Nofre, which is looking more and more each day
like the Colorado River. I'm sure glad Barney Wilkes isn't
here to see the mess, he'd schitt the proverbial brick.
Something may have to be done to Talegalites comming
to 'Nofre, taking buckets of rocks home to their garden,
telling the coctail guests how much Telega is lookin like
Puerto Vallarta. Maybe the SOSC BOD wants to surrender
bech property to inlanders, I don't thimk it's fair they're
allowed to remove rocks and turn around and tow-away
BIGKOOKS "Great White Van". Last time it cost a fortune to
release it. Someone printed a newsletter saying Tubesteak
indicated 'Nofre was an Élephants Eraveyard, but I think
he may have said the Hollywood Wax Mmuseum. Bingo! Coming
up this weekend Chiocago sends their crack Windsurf Team from
the South Side. These guys are really good. The Suadron leader
is a guy known as Craig.
TUBESTEAK/BIENVENIDOS

SPECIAL TO SAN DIEGO UNION TRIBUNE
VULTURES CIRCLING OVER BIGKOOK'S FORMER BAMBOO FOREST
especially on Sunday morning is not a good omen. After all the
tragedies in recent months one could but surmise why vultures,
unless another gruesome death, like, but whom? Maybe it's the death of Beach San Onofre". BIGKOOK wandered aimlessly down
the "primitive dirt road" talking to anyone who'd listen, but
no takers. We drove by, almost making it, but he stopped us.
"Don't go down there, you're not going to believe it," he
warned. Down there being Al Gee's enclave where screaming kids,
barking black Labs, and clingers looking as if they just
disembarked from the "Ship of Fools". After attending beaches
for years I've never witnessed anything like 'Nofre yesterday.
I looked at "Officer Bob" saying, this is not surfing by any
stretch of the imagination, for sure. I recall Tubesteak as a
boy going to a carnival in Montebello CA and witnessed a
swarm of hideous geeks. San Onofre brings back that gawd
awful nightmare, for sure. Cars parked helter-skelter,
ungodly street gear, never before seen hordes of bamboo
pulling, reckless, screaming, unruly brats, left like
tethered dogs who growl and bark when "master" goes for
his surf. Basura, people wearing Ugg Boots", horsehoe
tournaments, Haw'n Gardens parking problems, I wanted to tell
the SOSC BOD to install a sign saying, pack it in, pack it
out. Well, it was just awful, for sure. But, as usual,
BIGKOOK was right, "Don't go down there." Poor 'Nofre is
beginning to look just like the proverbial "Elephant's
Graveyard", for sure.
TUBESTEAK/FOR.SURE

DATELINE SAN ONOFRE FATHER'S DAY MORNING
BIGKOOK SAID HE SMELLED SOMETHING FISHY FOR SURE.
Well he was right as rain. With all the commotion about park
fees ballooning next month to an unprecedented high $325.00 Annual pass, SOSC BOD doubling Club dues, Bush refusing to control gasoline prices, toll roads, polluted water,
drainage problems, well the BIGKOOK found another bone
on which to chew. Yesterday while walking across the
"primitive dirt road" he smelled foulness, stench, and
death. Going over to the drainage culvert beside the
now extinct Bamboo Forrest and Banana Plantation,
he discovered a family of dying sloths, apparently
survivors of Larry the Sloth. BIGKOOK indicated it
was putrid, wondering why the Haw'n Garden's Surf
Club failed to detect it as they are just yards away.
It sure ain't the best way to spend Father's Day
whiffing those dead and dying beasts located
yards away from latrines #1&2. I hope Ranger Ephriam
and Superintendent Dairywimple can rid the beach of
the hairy creatures before the hot sun comes out.
TUBESTEAK/MORTICIAN