RANGER DAIRYWIMPLE NOTIFIED TEAM/BIGKOOK the beach will be

closed for several days, the reason a CODE ORANGE bomb was

found in Building #6, BIGKOOK'S main toilet opposite the KOOK'S

Bamboo Plantation. Ranger "D" said "it's" merely a precaution--not

to worry. If these SANO chumps believe that I'll turn in my Dewey

Weber Longerboard for the charitable donation, Save the Whales.

Of course, it's a tax write-off. I learned this beach quarantine from

Santa Monica City Lifeguard Service. The Guards, when they wanted

a raise, would post the "BEACH CLOSED--KEEP OUT WATER POLLUTED"

It worked. The city always gave in. Let's see if the State gets away

with it.

IUBESTEAK/TEAM.SANO.RATPACK

WITH THE HELP OF RANGER DAIRYWIMPLE, TEAMBIGKOOK'S office staff

ran a CII, California Identification on the Midget whose been

haranguing the 'KOOK. He hails from Taelega Homes in

San Clemente, drives a 2004 HUMMER, wears a ballcap backwards,

is unemployed, because of the double amputation he does

not possess a valid California driver's license, but obtained

a blue disabled parking placard. Other information gathered

was the double amputation took place in front of Olamendi's

family restaurant on PCH in Capo Beach. Good Samaritan

that he is he was pushing a auto to compression start the

thing when out of nowhere comes this yellow Monte Carlo,

plows right into it, lops off both Midget's legs, and speeds off

toward Selva St. in Dana Point. The plate read Frontera and

a bunch of dust covered numbers. The hit and run driver escaped,

but we all know where he went. He apparently learned to surf

watching Kelly Slater's Game Boy Tape His name is Joe

Shlump aka The Midget. If BIGKOOK would listen, I would tell him

what the Midget is up to in their surf off this weekend.

TUBESTEAK/REMOTE.CONTROL

CHICAGO MIKE SHOWS YESTERDAY AM for a restful winter day at 'Nofre.

But that was going to be short lived. THEBIGKOOK does not like agitation,

especially at 9:00 AM, Sundays. "Chicago" parks his aluminum Silver

Cloud" deluxe motor home with a "Sky Box" view right beside

BIGKOOK'S "Great White Van" opposite Bldg. #6, the central toilet

station in front of the "Bamboo Forest". I hope I haven't lost you.

You'd think this was the beginning of an epic day. BIGKOOK is in his

favorite lounge chair trying to nod off, there's not a sound on the

beach--total silence. That's when it hit the fan. Bounding along

the "primitive dirt road", yelling at the top of his lungs, is this

midget, except he really wasn't a midget, per se, he was a double

amputee. Stumped an inch below his knees. I've seen this guy before

at Venice Beach and he's a real "freak show". He spots BIGKOOK

beneath a bamboo shoot and starts yelling at 'KOOK.

"What the hell are you doing asleep on a beautiful Sunday

morning? Get up sleepy head!", said the midget. THEBIGKOOK,

sound asleep, opens his peepers, the first thing he sees

are these two stumps bound in leather pads, it was as if BIGKOOK

was looking at an elephant's foot. The midget insists on screaming.

THEBIGKOOK yells, "Shut up. You got a big nose and a big mouth, I

don't need this." The midget says, "Listen Mr.BIG HOT, I challenge

you to a surfing contest next weekend." BIGKOOK looks at the

amputated legs and says, "You gotta be kidding. Are you a goofy stump

or a regular stump?" The midget answers, "Parallel stump, chump."

"Deal," says BIGKOOK. So as it stands now, the surfing challenge

between THEBIGKOOK and the double amputee is on for sure

next weekend. Stay tuned.

TUBESTEAK/YOU'RE*PULLING MY *LEG

TEAM/BIGKOOK'S RECREATION DIRECTOR IS "SLUGGO". Sluggo has

a fantastic idea for the NEW YEAR celebration at San Onofre.

SOSC BOD sure aren't going to like this, but Sluggo suggested

suggested a San Onofre Squid Game be held, 1/1/2004, at Main Beach

Volleyball Center featuring our San Onofre Midgets versus Dana

Harbor baby's Beach Mighty Mites in a sudden death No Holds Barred

Scrimmage, kickoff at 10:00 AM sharp. You don't know what a Squid

Game is it's youth playing tackle football in the sand. which reminds me of

this punch-drunk musclebound kid who live beneath the Santa Monica Tower

Six Lifeguard perch, the one at which they film Baywatch. Each and every

morning The Kid'd wake up, place four trash-barrels a few feet apart,

and like all kids, would throw a tight spiral into the sky, run to

get beneath the falling ball, as if he were catching a punt. If he looked

for a second, and if he thought a trash barrel was near the zone he would

signal for a fair catch. You'da have to have been there to believe it.

TUBESTEAK/SET*HUT