March 25, 2005

Yesterday, Thursday, SOSC BOD had a real snorer
trying to do something with our sport of surfing to
get it out of the twenties and *adalante* to the 21st
Century. They said ,"No deal, we want it the same as
if Tom Blake, George Freeth, and a young Barney Wilkes
had just walked along the "ancient dirt road". They said
we don't want change, Old 'Nofre stays the same. You
want change go to Malibu where there's a whole goddamn
new Gidget crowd dedicating libraries. My old friend Alan
Saymour, suggested a marvelous idea for Hawiian Tuxcedo
Swimwear, but the few attending BOD scoffed at it, suggesting
he leave the beach I wanted to say something, however, that's
an awfully rough crowd (all twelve of them). Because of a mammoth
expandable motor house sporting a 500 mega power generator I couldn't
hear. I'm running for BOD Pres and show ém how we used to do things
in them "Old Days".

Written by Rick Heil
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

March 24, 2005 Gate opens early Sunday

Yesterday at San Onofre, well as usual, the place stinks to high heaven
The Haw'ns dispersed the squid harvestors returning the beach to the
to the masses, and Easter Sunday is l o o k i n g g o o d.. It could be
miserable, with all the rotting fish and squid, however, that
may keep families away from the beach and their silly egg hunt.
There shall be the wailing of stupid dogs chained to their "masters"
bumper while "master" gors for his surf, growling at anything or
any one who moved, cell-phone freakos, car alarms blaring, but
worst of all, the wave gurus. Waves were at best three feet in height,
locals were calling 2' overhead, and wouldn't back down. Two feet
overhead is eight feet, okay, no way they're gonna' buy that. "We don't
judge waves in feet, we call 'em "overhead". So, I think have you clowns
ever ridden Redondo Breakwater at 12', or Ventura Overhead at 15',
or Rincon at 10', or Tijuana Sloughs at 18'? There were no affimatives, s
o I gave up. The best news of all is Hal Dairywimple and Ranger Ephriam
were back in full force, the Dairywimple confirmed Alan Seymour's San
Onofre Surf Classic is going to br another huge triumph, netting over
$3,000,00 for someone other than the SOSC BOD. Maybe, I'll give
Wayne Miyata's "Cup and Sinker" one more shot, that cacophony at
SANO is much too much.

Written by Ramon Asencion Moreales.
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

March 23, 2005 Aloha "Ween".

He got what he desedved, The State of California sent their
"Number One Man" from Sacramento, State Supervisor Shecky Green
This morning he met wih Dairywimple and Ballard to find if there was any
parole violation involved with the "TUS" because Green is going for a
"three strikes and your out" violation. Strangely the SOSC BOD is washing
their hands of this matter, saying let the chips fall where they may. Ranger
Ephriam was called as "character wittiness" for "The Unknown Surfer", but
he may have misunderstood when he told Shecky that "TUS" is a character
alright. A Tribunal will be held on the beach 5/21/2004 to determine "TUS"
future in surfing. Speaking of that, tomorrow at 10:00 AM Rosarita Beach
SOSC be open to the public. I'm looking forward to the jumbo Malaysion
shrimp, abaloney steaks, scallops, and the frosty Mai Tais. At 2:00 PM
we travel the 140 to La Biffadora for Claude and Meliss's's nuptials and
massive reception. Lots to eat and drink. The Bahlls, Claude Sr. and the Mrs.,
has always been a gracious host. I Wanna' to go to 'Nofre Sunday to get SOSC BOD's
joyful reaction to the Magnificent Margaritta bash. Don't try to figure it out.

Written by Wayne Miyata.
BRUCE SAVADE SZND ASSOCIATES

March 22, 2005 A real meany.

Some cruel person wrote in the Dairy's comment about how
stupid, and how some people don't get it. This grouch obviously
is from Territory Telwaga because he thinks that all broads are
bitches, all dogs are stupid, and goofy feeters are goofy. Easter
Sunday is days away. Except for Thanksgiving, Easter is the
most popular day of the year when families, animals, the slobbering
type who growl all day long as their "master"chains him to the
bumper on his way out to his surf. Well, Mr. Meany, I feel your
pain, believe me. San Onofre is a family orientated beach where
everybody wants to be accepted except for you Mr. Meany.
I'll bet yiu go to a family park to celebrate with a Debueue
canned hamand a cheapbottle of rotgut, am I right?
If you don't like screaming kids, barking dogs or loudmouth
bocci ball players, why don't you pack up and go back
to Whittier where you came from. For Chrissake, Mr.
Meany, give the 'Nofreites their 15 minutes in the sun.

Written by Peter Rabbit
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

March 21, 20o5 Happy Birthday Leilani

They say it was easily the most gruesome thing ever seen at Old 'Nofre..
"Lover Boy" spent Sunday at "San Onofre Haw'n Gardena Surf Club"
readying the huge table for Leilani's 12th birthday party, including 15
children guests. Everyone worked very hard preparing yams
macaroni/potato salads, 1 finger poi, pickled pig's feet, watermelon
wedges, salmon lomi lomi, chicken long rice, white rice, catsup, cookies,
pies, and cakes. I wasn't there, but I stumbled upon Regional Supervisor
Hans Schnabel's Animal Coroner's Report yesterday. What had happened,
just as the arty was set to start Longboard Larry arrived with his pet Pit
Bull, always a favorite on the beach especially at Haw'n Gardena. Longboard
unloaded his board, waxed up, walked across the sand, plopped his board in
the water, paddled out, and waited. Larry's Pit Bull, was having thoughts it
were a sand shark and was sort of terrified by it. Parked 8' from the birthday
table the dog couldn't but help sniff the food. As "Honey Boy" brought the
children to the table the Pit Bull could no longer resist, leaped 4' into the air
landing on the edge of the beautifully decorated table and started gobbling
everything in sight. It went through the salads bar-b-cued ribs, briskets,
corn on the cob, marinated mushrooms, Lasko Pickled Herring, cakes and
pies--everything it could get in it's mouth. The children watched and began
sobbing. "Lover Boy" ran to his car, reached into the glove box, pulled
from it his 357 Magnum Special, ran toword the dog still on the table
chewing on the baby back ribs, looked up at the approaching "Lover Boy"
taking dead aim, KAH SPLATT, totally took the dog out. This was awful for the
little children to see, but the Haw'ns broke into loud cheering. Hal Dairywimple
and Ranger Ephriam, playing in the tidepools with underprivileged inner-city
kids got, out of the water but too late. The now headless Pit Bull had done the
damage. Now, this March afternoon filled with a beautiful rendition of the
Hawaiian War Chant

Written by Willie D. Saitch
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

March 20, 2005 It all comes together
All Rights Rserved (c)


FADE IN

EXT BEACH DJ KIOSK DAY

Kevin:
Hey you can't go in there, we're on the air, can't you read that sign?

Marco:
The hell with you and your sign! I want my Rita, and I want her now,
where is she?

Hal Dairywimple:
It seems, Dr. Laura we have a surprise guest, and it looks like Rita's husband,
Marco, from Dirty Sanchez'. Sit down, please, Marco, Rita will be right back.

Dr. Laura:
Please be seated, help your self to the cooky jar brought to you by
Pfizer Company.

Marco:
Hey, these ain't bad, tastes a little like Viagra. Rita! Rita! Where are you
I've got something for you. Hey Dr.Laura, where'd Rita go? Wow,
these things are really good. I wish she'd get here.

Dr.Craig:
So do I, Marco. This is 1--800Dr.Laura We'll be right back after these
words from our sponsor. OFF AIR

Kevin:
We're out kids, back in four.

Hal: Off to Kevin.
Where's OB, Kev, things are starting to tighten up here.

Kevin:
I think he's in the ladies room with three of the Dirty Sanchez'
barmaids, slamming down those Super Industrial Strength Viagras.
I hope he doesn't explode and kill them, that stuff is potent. I'll go check
his 10--20. Okay, kids, 5, 4, 3, 2, and....

Hal
Well, we're back Dr. Laura with Marco for the next segment,
finding Rita. But, first Dr. Laura we're going to take a short commercial
break and be right back. OFF AIR...

Kevin:
Okay, everyone, we're wrapprd!

FADE OUT

Written by Ranger Ephriam
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES