Febuary 12, 2005 My first weekend off.

As usual the quagmire at SANO was unbearable. Leo and Peg said
forget O'fre, come by Doheny for the Iowa picnic, no line, paved road, no
Haw'n Club, no crapping animals, just happy seagulls flying over head.
It seems they don't want to open the road to "Save our surf beach", so the salami
leaguers can stand on the logs telling one another how good it's going to
get when the tide cones in. Talk about slow-pitch leaguers, Old :Nofre
has ém beat. Charts, gradiants, anything that they can schoot
the schitt about rather than go in the water. Surfing's for kids, anyways,
anyone over 40 that still surf, well, they look foolish. "Dude, where's my
Ugg Boots and fiftieth anniversery bulky Tee?"

Written by "Old Guy Surfer".
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

Febuary 11, 2005 Bushwacked again.

Please help me understand, aside of securing votes why does
Georgie Pordgie Bush and his little amigo, Vincie, want U.S .
borders open to anyone south of border who wants entry
for all freebies our forefathers gave their lives from the Civil
War to Pearl Harbor to Iwo Jima to Viet Nam to the WTC, so
undocumented guiestworkers can enter USA as they please.
An open question for Georgie and his Republican cohorts,
why, why, why? I could only guess fot the latino vote. Remember
the saying, had without a kiss, well I do. A Republican bumper
sticker just ain't worth it.

Written by Amnesty International GOP 2008
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

February 11, 2005 The Lame Duck.

Our condolences go to "Ël Presidente"Jorge Bush and all straight ticket
Republicans, as it appears the open border Welcome Wagon dream will
not allow Jorge to turn California into Central America. Congratulations
House of Representations.

Written by Benjamin Franklin Esq.
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

Feburary 8, 2005 Heads will roll.

An unannounced visit to 'Nofre yesterday for a "Beach Tour",
from Haw'n Gardens to Dogscratch, with Lieutenant Dairywimple,
clutching his clip-boards. Ranger Ephriam was not invited. Tour started
at 9:00 AM sharp, lasting two hours. They selected the homemade
unsightly picnic table, sat down, went over notes. Superintendent Ballard,
nodded his head in approval. "Ranger, it looks as if you run a tight ship here."
Before Dairywimple could answer, 8-ball comes speeding down the "muddy
dirt road" spiraling clods of slop, slams on his brakes, brodies into the log forty
feet in front of Ballard and Dairywimple, jumps out of the station wagon, arms
full of gallons of wine, the kind with glass hooks for chug-a-lugging, "Trader
Joe's here. Party time! "Both, Ballard and Dairywimple appear stunned, "
What do we have here, Dairywimple?" said Ballard. Dairywimple replied,
"I don't, sir, but we better find out." Dairywimple unhooked his 9mm. "Hold
it right there, 8-ball. Freeze!" Shocked, 8-ball simply says, "Who, me?"
This comes as an absolulute surprise to the beach bums, waiting for the daily
freebie. "Felony prone, Cueball, don't move," said Dairywimple. Ballard
walks over placing a boot on 8-ball's head. "There's no drinking alcohol on
this beach, and there's no glass containers," said Ballard, "Read him his rights
and book him, Dairywimple." I think the Rangers mean business this year,
especially after tripling the dues

Written by Harding Institute of Sobriety
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

Feburary 7, 2005 The day after.

Swoozie, the Scottish Terrier, will be arraigned at O'fre today for
pennance following the viscious and savage attack resulting in the
demise of O'Really, the Irish Setter. Swoozie will be marcched along
the "muddy ancient dirt road" for all to see in broad daylight as
a reminder why all farm animals must be left at the ranch or at least
at home. The sign on the beach specifies no loose dogs on the beach.
H E L L O! dog owners Rancho O'fre is not a petting zoo, as O'Riley's
companion soon found out. O'Riley is the Irish Setter, who was not
maimed by Swoozie by scampering back to the safety of its owners
Yellow Hummer 4. Witnesses said there was no senseless reason the
Setters should have been allowed on the beach. "PAViING THE WAVE"
producer alertly captured the brutal attack on film and audio. Ranger
Dairywimple and Ranger Ehphriam will analyze the film and place blame
where blame is due. Dairywimple indicated San Onofre is for surfers, not
sniffing dogs who sniff between massive dumps then kiss their owner
on the mouth. Yuckie!

Written by Uncle Matty.
BRUCE SAVAGE SAND ASSOCIATES

Febuary 6, 2005 Schitt hitt the fan.

Ranger Superintendent Jessie Mendoza arrived at Old O'fre late yesterday,
bawled out Dairywimple and Ephriam like there was no tomorrow. Ranger
Mendoza was on special assignment at the request of Gov. Arnold's Task
Force to keep our State Beaches clean. Jessie Mendoza left El Capitan State
Beach after witnessing a tsunami style devastation of Ventura beaches. The
culprits, bamboo, creosote soaked telephone poles, sunken concrete fire pits,
and garbage on the beach, everything Old O'fre has had for years. Mendoza
presented San Onofre with their options. All bamboo will be tore out and deposited
in the big blue dumpsters along the muddy dirt road. Jessie Mendoza mzde sure
he wasn't the least bit happy with how the SOSC BOD has handled the area.
Mendoza wants absolutly no bamboo shoots, plants, leaves, or anything on the
beach. Period, end of report! Jessie walked toward the banana plantation,
suddenly, he hit the ceiling. "What the hell are these damn clothes doing on
the volleyball nets?" he said, and was he fuming. "Well sir, the fellows said
people haven't played vee-bee here since 1974," said Ephriam, "the Club felt
the beach needed more space for wetsuit storage." An uneasy silence fell
over the beach. "The Club needed more space, did they," said an irate
Mendoza, "let's see the Clubs name on the deed of trust." Well sir, the Club
doesn't own the beach,"said Ranger Ephriam. Jessie Mendoza looked toward
the heavens, then directly at Dairywimple and Ephriam, heaved a sigh, and
blurted out, "No Schitt!

Written by Verbum Dei.
BRUCE SAVAGE AND ASSOCIATES

Super Bowl Sunday Go Raiders1

State of CA vs.SOSC, BIGKOOK, and ten John Does.
The charges, obstructing justice, and interfering with State
procedure, a serious and felonious offense. BIGKOOK was
assaulted by several homeless, plump, juicy, rats, driven
from the Bamboo Forrest by the Rangers. When they came in
bulldozing the smoldering pit, "Giant Beast's" unrecognizable
cadaver was uncovered and dragged from the crater, the
crowd gasping from "Giant Beast's" smoldering corpse. While
all the activity with removal of the Forrest, a wanna--bee
forgot to unleash the huge family dog and dragged the
helpless dog half mile till a do-gooder caught up with
the rented motor home screaming at the forgetful driver.
The dog was being dragged to it's death. Today should be a
special day at O'fre, TEAM.BIG.KOOK is having a glorious
Super Bowl wine festival starting at 7:00 AM sharp.

Written by Bozo the Klown
BRUCE SAVAGE AND ASSOCIATES