WITH ALL THE SURFING FILMS, BOOK DEALS, GRAND OPENINGS, LIFE IS GOOD. The best part of all, except for tee shirt sales, coffee mug sales, and the push to get membership over 4,000, the SOSC BOPD is adamant about other people making that huge profit in surfing accoutrements, but thank goodness for Ranger Dairywimple and Craig, "Mr Enforcement" Ephraim, life goes on, we move ahead. Sunday the BOD will consider the new San Onofre Thong line ranging from x-small for girls to "Size Magnum" for men. The one prerequisite, you must be a paid member of the SOSC, who incidentally, just doubled the membership dues. Way to go gang! I'll bet the dues increase will go for increasing parking, now volleyball nets, rubber tubing for volleyball inbound lines. Earlier on, if you wanted to play VB you went to Will Rodger's State beach at the Canyon, not a surfer's beach. Times, they are a changing. One encouraging item regarding the doubling of the dues, Ranger Dairywimple promised a tether-ball pole will be installed adjacent to Bldg.#4, Toilet #6. Maybe that way it'll unclog the "primitive dirt road" from those rude and vociferous bocci-ball players.
TUBESTEAK/SHELL.COLLECTER

DAVID-SHAWN AND STEFAN-JACOB SHALL BE THE FIRST GAY marriage at San Onofre ever. Long time soul mates from Rancho Talega were presented their Marriage License
yesterday afternoon by Ranger Dairywimple before the San Onofre Magistrate yesterday afternoon. Their nuptials will consummate May 1, 2004. Although SOSC BOD is not pleased, they were invited to the ceremony and all you can eat reception. BIGKOOK participates as Head Usher. The Bamboo Forrest and Banana Plantation will be backdrop for the lush ceremony. Rev.Garth McClure will preside over the event. Bushels of flowers will flourish and enhance the surroundings. Photos while changing positions will not be appreciated and they hope spectators will abide. Invitations are in the mail with RSVPs. More as the days go by.
TUBESTEAK/CUPID

FINALLY, A REASON TO GET AWAY FROM THAT VENUS FLY TRAP, SAN ONOFRE. Yesterday, we went to the "Susan Reichtle Soup Kitchen Centre" at Dana Point Harbor. For a paltry fifteen cents they have try-to-be pro surfers doling out ham scramble, day old Long Johns Turkey bacon, and de-caff mud. I'm sitting there shoveling it in when a tow headed surfer, whom I've seen at Salt Creek, approach and ask, "Ain't you TUBESTEAK?" I said, why yes, I am. "I wanna' be a pro rider on the circuit. What's the secrete?" I think, holy smokes you gotta' be kidding. The tow-head is probably 19 and wants to be a pro. I don't answer. I think to myself, be a pro golfer, or a basketball player, or a baseball player, but a pro surfer, get real dude. But I won't hurt the tow-heads ego. I remain silent. Millions are made in professional sports but pro surfer? You go to a second rate party and are introduced as Tow Head, he's a pro surfer. Many years ago, I learned never to piss on other people's dreams. So, I watched go back to his ham scramble chores probably mad at me but how many pro surfers do you know that are making it?
TUBESTEAK/ZUMANATARIUN

BOY! ARE YOU PEOPLE AT SOSB IN FOR THE SHOCK OF YOUR LIFE. Grunion emailed, saying people at Rancho Talega are giving him "big time" stink eye, where he works as a "scab", at the local Super as the produce guy. Albertson is moments away from RT. Their people know Grunion's a member of the exclusive TBK, albeit, sinking fast TBK. RT knows they have a foothold on the beach, specificity Bldg. 4, Toilet #6. BIGKOOK'S shanty area fell when he took his sabbatical in Honolulu, HI. RT has a proposal into San Clemente City Hall, renaming Bldg. #4 as the "Susan Reichtal Centre", and it'll pass. Ms Reichtal, as you are aware, is the Mayor of San Clemente, with Ranger Dairywimple taking the proverbial "Path of least resistance", refused to intervene. Now, RT has their horse stables, like Nellie Gail Ranch's, at the end of the primitive dirt road, preferred parking for Hummers. Escalades, and their "Mountain Bikes" RT wants a museum and tide pool just like Dana Pt. Visitor's Centre. I sure hope there's no drowning at the beach, because you'll start seeing, votive candles, depicting "Our Lady of Guadalupe", the victim's photographs, with his family and pet ranch dog, bushels of flowers, signed Farewell Posters, the whole "enchie" smack dab in front of Bldg #4, the Susan Reicthl Centre. Good luck SOSC BOD, cause now your beach'll start looking like Broadway St. Los Angeles Centro. Btw, if you're unfamiliar with "RT", it stands for Ranch Talega.
TUBESTEAK/?

SABLEUE THE PROPHET, CLAIRVOYANT THAT HE IS, issued his 2004 horrifying prediction of doom. Involving South Orange County in general, San Mateo Creek in particular. Clairvoyant Sableau's confidence is high that sometime this year, upstream San Mosquito dam shall burst, sending bazillions of water gallons and a wall of mud and gravel crashing down San Mateo Creek, sweeping hundreds of unwary campers, surfboards, backrests, tear drop trailers, boogie boards, all to a watery grave sucked out to sea, in nearby shark infested Lowers. Sableue indicates the tragedy is inevitable, but the exact date is unclear, only July, 2004. Ranger Dairywimple declared a temporary morgue and chapel, for family mourners, will be available, courtesy of the California State Park System at Surfrider State Beach. This warning comes as a PSA by State Park Officials, as a reminder entrance fees will be triples July 1st, 2004. There shall be no "Grace Period". Sableau predicted the increase back in 2002.
TUBESTEAK/SOOTHSAYER

BACK IN '86 I DID A GIG AT MALIBU WITH LANCE CARSON, "Malibu Summer Reunion", It was so emotional moving, I decided to put "the demon" back in the bottle. I'm exuberant I did, because after visiting a "changed" San Onofre, I can understand the reason for the excess boozing. First, BIGKOOK flopped and that drove a stake in the beach's throbbing heart. Rancho Talega, and it's neer-do-wells, have annexed TBK's beach club, including Starwarz second hand discarded furniture which cluttered that end of the beach. Ranger Dairywimple, not wanting to offend paying customers, turned his head, as a dog owner would, as his hairy beast took a massive dump on the sand. Nobody said it's easy being a Legend, but there was no way I'd leave the sancturary of my auto to venture amid the pack of loose dogs roaming the beach while their master choked up the traffic flow with their sacred Boca ball gane. I remember as a child coming to 'Nofre and laying in the pure and unadulterated white sand. No more. The moment you came on the beach it smells as if you entered a kennel, it was awful. No wonder I can't sleep at night.
TUBESTEAK/TELLING.IT.LIKE.IT.IS

I THOUGHT I'D GIVE IT ANOTHER CHANCE. BLAH 'KOOK WAS HOME from The Islands, we thought we present him with a beautiful from home, HI, but he flopped, a no show, but all the regulars were there, NeoN, Turtle, TiKi Matt, Big Daddy, and a very unhappy "The Enforcer", Craig. Mike Gleason, all sitting in Ranger Dairywimple's Customized Ford Range,r 350. I'd not been to the beach since 4th of Julio, last year, but I had no idea the SOSC BOD could allow it to sink to it's lowest depths since 1971. It was awful. When diving into the Campo, the first thing you see is the Hawaiian Surf Club, triple parked, and no Ranger to enforce the R&R's (Rules & Regs). Next, I drove to the Power plant boundry line at the south turnaround right they're thet're constructing the equestrian stables, on which they're doing a marvelous job. I turned back to "Old Man's where they have Preferred Parking, looking for a member of The BOD and for some reason they weren't in attendance, which was unusual on such a gorgeous afternoon. I parked beside "The Enforcer" and Mike Gleason and their fabulous ranch dogs who love to bark, snarl, and make things uncomfortable for tiny children. NeoN taunted the animals beyond belief, they went into a snarling frenzy so bad, I had to use the open pit toilet across the"primitive dirt road", but dare not leave the safety of my locked auto. On our way out I asked Ranger Don why they don''t they turn San Onofre into a branch of PETCO. Like, I don't go to the kennels so why do they bring their beast to the seashore. I promised, they'll never see me down there again.
TUBESTEAK/WHY.I