DATELINE SAN ONOFRE CA
TOMORROW,S A GOOD DAY FOR 'NOFRE, TODAY'S SHOT TO HELL.
That stinking "Corpse Flower's still on the flat-bed 18 wheeler stuck on the access road and they can't get the damn thing to budge, so I say let those morons wallow in self pity. BIGKOOK'S the only guy down there that can drive the 18 wheeler, but he told those "regulars" to kiss off. Usually, tomorrow's another day, so I'll revisit one more time. Actually, I'm looking forward to seeing the 4th generation "Nofre'ites sit in their magic "family circle",while dumbfounded, poor, old barking dogs, infants sucking hard on their pacifiers, the generationites recalling how they did in the '92 contest, and what's the date of this year's luau. Good things always happen on the wonderful "primitive dirt road".
TUBESTEAK/ATMOSPHERE

IT'S ALL OVER. RANGER EPHRIAM DONE DID THE DEED. Mr. Stinky is dead. After three hours in a yellow vinyl Haz-Mat uniform, Ephriam felled the monstrous "Corpse Flower" so that it plopped smack dab in the middle of the "primitive dirt road"
making it impassable to all vehicles. Now the problem facing the Ranger and the Superintendent is how to load 25' 8,000 pound rotting trunk into the Park vehicle before 6:00 PM tonight. To be honest, that thing is really foul smelling. The County Dump shuts down at dark, and they need all the light they can get.
Right now Superintendent and Ranger are on Park's emergency communications network for guidance. When they receive clearance we're going to follow them up I-5 to Ortega, then onward to the dump.
TUBESTEAK/CLOTHESPIN

NO BODY SAID IT WAS GONNA' BE EASY. TURNING OFF I-5, the SONGS parking lot looked like a media circus, sorta' the location shots at Devil's Hole, Wyoming, where they filmed "Close Encounter's of the 3rd Kind". Marine Corps' Haz-Mat squad diverted traffic onto the holding area, allowing nobody access to the surf beach. We parked the family station wagon, walked across the asphalt parking lot to the cliff's edge, looked down at BIGKOOK'S Rain Forrest and Banana Plantation, new home of the transplanted Amorphophallus Titanium (Corpse Flower), a stenching, putrifying, foul smelling rendition of death. Corporal Rice said you'd better wear these, handing us WMD gas masks. Like Marabunta Jungle Ants,
Superintendent Dairywimple and Ranger Ephriam scurried about, jockeying for position to amputate the monster at it base, which, incidentally had grown to 25' overnight, before it was too late.
Spectators on the bluff not wearing WMD masks wretched uncontrollably, running for their vehicle to escape the odiferous fumes. Ranger Ephriam started his heavy-duty Black and Decker
death saw, revved it a few times for good luck, stepped torward
ready for action while hoping for the best.
TUBESTEAK/ATMOSPHERE

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IS WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER,
all hell bust loose. Superintendent Dairywimple and Ranger Ephriam
were dealt another low blow. After soothing the ugly dog owners, beach freeloaders, discarded furniture bums, and Talega
wanna-bee-ers,somebody-I'm not sure whom-sneaked in last night, replanted a repulsive stinking amorallus titanium a.k.a. Stench Flower smack dab in the middle of BK's Bamboo Forest and Banana Plantation causing skunks and coyotes to head for high ground. The Corpse Flower smells like it's namesake, a rotted corpse, unbreathable by all on the beach. Dairywimple an Ranger are assigned to dig up the 15' stenching plant and deliver it to the County Dump off Ortega Highway, to be replanted in 30' of maggot filled diseased landfill. But the good news, SOSC BOD is paying for removal out of Club monies, Luau proceeds.
TUBESTEAK/P.U.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IS WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER,
all hell bust loose. Superintendent Dairywimple and Ranger Ephriam
were dealt another low blow. After soothing the ugly dog owners, beach freeloaders, discarded furniture bums, and Talega
wanna-bee-ers,somebody-I'm not sure whom-sneaked in last night, replanted a repulsive stinking amorallus titanium a.k.a. Stench Flower smack dab in the middle of BK's Bamboo Forest and Banana Plantation causing skunks and coyotes to head for high ground. The Corpse Flower smells like it's namesake, a rotted corpse, unbreathable by all on the beach. Dairywimple an Ranger are assigned to dig up the 15' stenching plant and deliver it to the County Dump off Ortega Highway, to be replanted in 30' of maggot filled diseased landfill. But the good news, SOSC BOD is paying for removal out of Club monies, Luau proceeds.
TUBESTEAK/P.U.

I DON'T KNOW WHO SNITCHED ON THE CLUMSY DOG, EATING EVERYONE'S food day before yesterday at San Onofre, but I'm glad they did.
Superintendent Dairywimple supplied a number of photos depicting the old beige animal going from ice-chest to ice-chest, gobbling sandwiches one after another while its "master" pretended not to notice. Within a half hour period, the oafish looking moocher had consumed twice its weight in food, wasting another twice its size in spillage. Ranger Ephriam suggested the supply a upside-down lampshade to prevent the old timer dog from eating everything in sight. It was suggested at the quorum, Bldg. #4 be transformed into a crying room for infants brought to the beach so they can scream till they're blue in the face. The State of California has indicted BIGKOOK for charges to remove the furniture out of the bushes. It seems everyone down here dislikes Talega Ranch, but try everything they can to emulate it.
TUBESTEAK/SQUEALER

LAST NIGHT, AT SENIOR'S CENTER ON DEL MAR, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.
Someone, I don't know whom, filed a written complaint regarding SOSC and it's lack of control over dogs and kids, turned over to the Park Department, who tossed the ball in Superintendent Darywimple's court, who delegated the whole enchie right on Ranger Ephiam's lap. By the look on Ranger Ephriam's face, Superintendant must really read Ranger the "riot act", because when he walked into the foyer his face was ash white, as if he'd discovered a fresh corpse laying in the sand. It seems the beach is going to see a major makeover. Also brought up in the meeting the state is making a proposal to costruct a pier in front of 'Ol Mens the club to pay 100% of all costs. That sounds like a good idea to me. Minitues of last evenings meeting will be posted here tomorrow.
TUBESTEAK/SNITCH

AS A YOUNG CHILD, A NUMBER OF YEARS AGO, I VISITED THE GRIFFITH
Park Zoo. I was raised in the Wilshire District, a.k.a. Korea Town, four miles from the zoo. It was a short bicycle ride. Going to "San Onofre Family Celebration Beach", saving a 72 mile traffic snarled journey through Santa Ana. San Onofre has become
a bona-fide, full blown zoo. Dogs roam rampant on the beach, while its master pretends not to see it. "Master" says, "He's a smart dog, he's a good boy!" Yeah! Right! A stupid looking old dog is a stupid dog. I called for assistance from Ranger Ephriam, but he was on another break. Naturally, I sat there listening to infants whining, dumb dogs barking, and families shoveling free food in their face. Not a pretty picture at all. Coffee stained Ranger Ephriam finally returned, directing me to Bldg. #4, Toilet
#6, Trash Dumpster #12 and said, "It finally got rid of the vermin
(I think he meant TEAMBIGKOOK) because there was enough furniture to fill a two recammara apartment in San Clemente.
TUBESTEAK/90006