THERE MAY BE A DEMOTION IN STORE FOR RANGER CADET, "MR.ENFORCER", CRAIG. Cadet
Ephraim wandered from his station in the middle of the drought busting Stormwatch
7,000 last night leaving Amish Andy on his own piloting the 8 ton green Colombine harrowing the road. It seems after a 12 hour deluge, the "green monster" could no longer take it, expelled a magnificent blast, shook, heaved, and came to a stop in front of Bldg.#4 Toilet#6, in 5' of quagmire slop. It became overheated in the deluvian mud, surrounded by steaming steam. It seems Amish Andy had presence of mind to call 911 on his cellular. The mega-duty commercial tow truck will be here at 3:00 PM this afternoon. A Ranger said someone's going to have hell to pay for this budget buster. You could see the tension switch to Cadet Ephraim.
TUBESTAKE/911/COLLECT

SURFING IS A TOUGH SPORT! You either soar high with the eagles or walk on the ground with the turkeys Early this morning, MTV sent a few PA's (Production Assistants) to get the "lay of the land" for their Easter Week Spectacular. They asked to speak with Ranger
Dairywimple just as "The Enforcer" introduced himself. "Hi, gals, my name is Craig, how may I help you?" Nice enough--well sorta, the PA's wanted a week long Backstage Pass All Access All Area for the extravaganza. Craig pondered, thought, mulled, and figured this would be a definite plus for his new "Ranger Cadet" Career. Piss on the SOSC BOD,
he thought, Full speed ahead, damn the torpedos. The PA's presented "Enforcer" with a show order: reality segments, musical chairs, door prizes, beauty contest, food fights, tunnel-of-love, and the famous Rancho San Onofre "Fountain of Legends. There will be a nice sponsorship fee, ( going directly to the State under the watchful eye of Gov.Arnie).The BOD, however, will not like this at all. They have placed BOD member, All Gee, to conduct a cease and desist order against MTV effective immediately.
TUBESTEAK/WATCHDOG

I COULDN'T WAIT, SO I DROVE TO THE RANCHO HOPING TO SEE WORK IN PROGRESS.
Ranger Dairywimple's prodigy, Dep. Enforcer Ephraim greeted us with a huge grin on his face, pleased as punch. He waved us down the new beach lane, it was like walking on a cloud, soil crunched like fresh corn snow. Rocks, boulders, asphalt chunks, pebbles, and beer cans, were displaced by Amish Andy and his trusty Columbine. One problem. Bocci Ballers are going to crap the original crap of the year who they see their darling little "obstacle course" replaced by freshness and beauty. The Meander Ballers ain't not gonna like but the farm dogs will be in heaven when they smell that fresh turned warm and moist soil. I think Rancho San Onofre, SOSC BOD, owes Deputy Ranger Craig "The Enforcer" Ephraim, Amish Andy, his green Columbine tractor, a huge debt of thanks. Thanks gang. A job well done.
TUBESTEAK/APPRECIATION.WEEK

WAS IT FOR BETTER OR WORSE. DEPT. RANGER "MR. ENFORCEMENT" EPHRIAM, has been asked to be a full time Ranger on a probationary trial. Wisely, he accepted. Ranger Dairywimple is having difficulty getting his "house" in order subsequent to his massive stroke and paralysis. This morning, taking advantage of light showers, ordered Amish Minister Andy, "Hook up the four in hand, attach the 20' disk harrow, level the "Primitive Dirt Road"." Mr. Enforcement, continued, "Move it, and move it now. This ain't no goddam field trip." Off down the path went the Colombine, squeaking, shimmering, swaying, but carving a fancy swath down the road. As of 10:00AM Amish Andy, the Colombine, and the 20" disc harrow had made forty passes and it appears the dirt road is beginning to take on the look of a country lane. All thanks to Sgt."Enforcer" Ephraim. Be here tomorrow for a complete replay.
TUBESTEAK/SPRINGTIME

SOMETIMES IT'S EASY TO DIVERSE FROM THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW, but it's happened here. Why you ask? Well I'll tell you why, right here and now! I pull myself from a sickbed, received mail from Ben Marcus claiming he'd been asked by TSJ to do a no-nonsense piece about the trials and tribulations of a young, confused, surfer, striving for recognizable endeavors from San Onofre in the early fifties, to Malibu during the late fifties and early sixties and a whole lot of things and places on the way through. The final draft is being rushed along the wire. A level playing field appears within reach of reality. One bright spot about the piece, it ain't gonna' be about no 'Nofre Legends. I feel the SOSC BOD wants their privacy, well, they're gonna get it, anyways, all the "so called" 'Nofre Legends are already dead or dying of old age. What they might want to do is something about, get this, "The Primitive Dirt Road". Now that's a popular subject down here in these neck of the woods.
TUBESTEAK/UNCORKED

SOMETIMES IT'S EASY TO GET THROWN OFF COURSE, but it appears this is going to be one of those weeks. I get straight out of a sick bed and have spent so many hours with Ben Marcus for an upcoming piece in Surfer's Journal featuring the trials and tribulations of a young confused surfer who strives for recognizable endeavors from San Onofre in the fifties to Malibu in the sixties, and a whole lot of other places in between. As we speak, the final draft is being rushed through. The level playing field appears within reach
of reality. One bright spot about the article , it ain't gonna be about no 'Nofre legends. I feel the SOSC BOD wants their privacy, well they're gonna' get it, anyways all the'Nofre legends are pobably dead or dying of old age. What they might want to do is do a piece about, get this, "The Primitive Dirt Road". Now, that's a popular subject down here in these neck of the woods.
TUBESTEAK/UNPLUGGED