WHAT THE SAM HILL IS GOING ON HERE THIS MORNING? Don't let the dateline fool you. Make no doubt about it today is Saturday, May 1st. I came down here to San Onofre to do my surf, but I've never seen the line so long and getting longer. Don the kiosk tollbooth operator said Alan Seymour Enterprises is having yet another surf contest for guys and dames who really never caught on. If I could get to my feet I'd enter. I'd gladly cough up $100.00 dollars cash to win a wooden salad bowl. I don't think I'll hang around because I have to be at Malibu Shirts Inc. for the Legends special brunch at 22775 PCH 90265. Good luck to the 'Nofre guys you guys deserve the recognizing. Wouldn't be funny if I walked into the G/O and everyone asking, "How'd you do in your heat, 'Steak?"
OMG, I hate to think.
TUBESTEAK/NEVER.WON

IF IT WERN'T FOR BAD LUCK, SAN ONOFRE WOULDN'T HAVE ANY LUCK AT ALL.
This approaching weekend SOSC BOD was to make a killing on Bulky Tees to compansate for the $3,800 loss caused by "Bamboozled" Larson's bad timing when he took off Sloth Larry's head. SOSC BOD ordered twelve gross mixed sizes '50th's Anniversey shirts and they're all sitting on the loading dock ready to be cancelled, another $1,000 loss to the Club's bank account because the Alan Seymore Big Shot Surfing Contest this weekend at "The 'Nofre" takes center stage. The Club says there ain't no way they can compete with Seymore. Probably, the price of shirts will increase
to $40.00 per this 2004 season.
TUBESTEAK/TAP.CITY

MAN! OH MAN! OH MAN! SURFING IS A GAME. YOU HAVE WINNERS. You have
losers. Well anyways, it had to happen. SOSC BOD paid good money, actually
top dollar, for a bust of SANO'S Surf Legend, E-McB for his final resting place in
the new SOSC Memorial Park, sorta like a tombstone, adjacent to the homeless
shelter located in front of Bldg.#4, Toilet #6, a.k.a. BIGKOOK Park and Reflecting
Pool. All the while, Larry the Sloth is taken down by ex-Ranger "Bamboozled"
Larson, but in doing so the killer bullet severs Larry's neck, keeps ongoing
striking E-McB's Memorial bust causing it to disintergate like Bldg. #1 at the WTC 9/11/2001. E-McB's statue, draped in ceremonial purple, was a complete loss to
the tune of $3,800, not covered by the Club's insurance policy, however the BOD
says the massive loss can be recouped by increasing the price of their ever popular '50th anniversary bulky Tee shirts along with with increased annual
dues. Don't feel bad,Huntington paid $6'500 for a statue of the Duke and some
thugs swiped it from the H.B. Museum. As they say, "Tain't, fair McGee."
TUBESTEAK/VILIFIED

ALTHOUGH HIS END WAS UNSIGHTLY, LARRY THE SLOTH LIVES (at least in our mind). "Bamboo" Larson was replaced as Ranger Assistant because of his act of discharging a firearm on the beach, killing Larry on the spot. "Bamboo" was replaced by Neon as Maintenance Associate, probably because he lugged the headless, bleeding, carcass over the sand to the huge Weber rotissire, heated to the max, throat slashed, and drained of what little blood remained. While Larry lay there, BIGKOOK took the honor of dousing the three toed corpse with gasoline to skin it clean. With the help of Lieutenant Dairywimple and Ranger Ephriam. BIGKOOK hoisted Larry up on the grill, hooves and tail dangling into nowhere. During their wait, Aphganastanians refugees emerged from their caves on the bluff, waiting to partake from Larry's bounty. (You saw them!) At 6:00 PM, Larry was finished, literally, placed on butcher's wrapping, cooled and sliced, placed in a huge doggie trough, and signaled to "Come 'n get it." They did, and what little meat leftovers, were given to the refugees to take back to the caves.
TUBESTEAK/ABUNDANCE