DATELINE SAN ONOFRE CA 4/10/2004 PRIORITY 08:00 PDT

LEFT THIS MORNING FOR MY SURF. Ranger Dairywimple ordered all in coming traffic halted at the by pass area. Pastor Andrew's estranged wife, Shirley, her sister Martha, read in the "Norco Clarion" regarding the money maker at San Onofre this Easter Sunday. "What permit?" said Shirley, the estranged wife. "He and his girlfriend, Bambee, filed on 3/1/2004, State rules say 'say first come, first served, sorry Ma'am," said Dairywimple. "Oh, Hogwash," said Shirley, "Her name ain't Bambee, that's godamm Jolene the Queen." Ranger Dairywimple sensing trouble, called Deputy Ephriam for back up. "Well, Ma'am, it is Easter Weekend, there's nothing we can do until Monday," said Dairywimple."Well, we'll godamm see about that," said Shirley. "What seems to be the problem, Ranger?" said Deputy Ephriam. "That jackass Pastor and his pissey wife are trying to bilk me on this Easter Parade, and I don't like it one bit," said Shirley. "Bambee is not the Pastors wife, she is merely one of the flock," said the Deputy. "Bambee, horsefeathers, her name's Jolene the Queen," said Martha. Ranger and Deputy exchanged glances. "Close down the beach except for the Sunrise Services," said Dairywimple, "until further notice."
TUBESTESTEAK/QUARENTINE

HOLY MARANATHA, PRAISE THE LORD, SAY HALLALEULAH. Ranger Dairywimple approved, much to the delight of Deputy Ephriam, Talega Ranchero's Easter Sunrise Services for 5:00 AM Sunday morning at "The Old Man's Memorial Center" located beneath the hallowed palm frond shack. Pastor Andrew, his hot 19 year old wife, Bambee, received their "good tidings" this morning, so it looks as if they'll have an Easter Egg Hunt for over five hundred frenzied children aged 3 to 10. Deputy Ephriam warned the SOSC BOD the beach may be unusable until 2:00 PM Sunday. He also deputized the Pastor's wife as egg hunt moniter. Services will begin at 6:00 AM sharp with a Convocation by Deacon BIGKOOK, himself, distributing chocolate Easter Bunnies as long as supplies last. Guest list includes Rancho Santa Margarita, Temeculah Rough Rider Club, and North Beach, San Clemente. Ranger Dairywimple will personaly man the entrance kiosk ensuring no "uninvited gate crashers".

IF TODAY'S BLOG IS SUDDENLY TERMINATED IS MSN IS PLAYING SPAM GAMES, Window Pop Ups, Unwanted Promos, Offers from MSN, un-erasable MSN offers, ah crap here it goes, THEY ARE THROTTLING MY COMPUTER. SORRY, goodb....

THINGS AIN'T LOOKING SO GREAT FOR EASTER AT 'NOFRE, NOT AT ALL. The SOSC BOD is adamant about not turning over the State Beach for non-members cluttering up their ocean. Ranger Dairywimple posted new beach permits for this weekend, including fifteen separate Easter picnics with egg hunts, Dogpatch horseshoe tournament, Bocci-Ball Festival at "The Old Man's Memorial Center", Karate Show-Down at the Haw'n Luau Amphitheatre (Four Doors), Telega Ranch Hog Calling Contest at South roads end--no wonder the BOD is irritated and I don't blame 'em. This things really acting up so I'd better shut it down before it's too late.
TUBESTEAK/INDULTO

NOW WHO'S TO BLAME FOR LAST SUNDAY'S FIASCO? Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water all heck broke loose. Rancho Temeculah departed at 2:00 PM, with the howling dogs and whining snotty nose brats, cell phone gabbing yuppies
Ranger Deputy, Ephriam, was on a personal holiday, Gateman Donn called in ill, things were almost back to normal at 5:00 PM when a 911 call went out for all units in the vicinity of 1-5 and Basilone Road, respond code 3. Two alcoholics involved in an attempted vehicular felony manslaughter case involvolving 5 sober Marine buddies collided with a pick up Toyota with a chromed magnesium tool box. The driver left the surf area, ploughing into the Marines nearly killing them. The 'Nofre pick up left the beach heading for the nearest liquor hut, turned left to the I-5, smashing into the unwary servicemen. An accident report was filled out by Ranger Dairywimple, who said this does not look good for the beach, indicating the closure of Rancho San Onofre as a drinking beach. The Commadant requested the drinking beach reform be sent immediately to Camp Pendleton. Dairywimple said the no drinking ruling could take place as early as this Friday. If this doesn't pack the Rib Trader nothing will.
TUBESTEAK/502

MAYBE RANGER DEPUTY EPHRIAM TOOK THE WRONG DAY FOR HIS PERSONAL HOLIDAY.
San Onofre Ranch was topsy-turvy yesterday, Ranger Dairywimple and Intern Cadet Leonard, were called into action when Kiosk Governor, Donn, called in sick. By the time Dairywimple arrived upstairs Code 3 was in effect. "Shut down the line--No One In! Open the "circulacion by-pass line". No more cars in until future notice. Thanks to Ranger Cadet Ephriam and Absentee Kiosk Governor, Donn, San Onofre Ranch faced its first major crises of the summer. Yes, I have a non-revocable California Golden Bear Pass, was allowed immediate entrance to the "ancient dirt road", but thanks to the absentee Park Representatives, Ephriam and Kiosk Donn, the beach was out of hand and control. Haw'n Surf Club 2004 had mid-beach snarled, I've never seen tempers so short. Even BIGKOOK refused to venture down there. Ranger Cadet, Ephriam has a perpetual parking spot reserved at the "Bamboo Room". but that was swallowed up by a Land Schooner, forty one feet in length, filled with adolescents, barking dogs, cell phones and wanna-bee Young Urban Professionals, from Temeculah Ranch of all places. The doors of the Land Schooner swung open releasing nine disoriented uncontrollable, snapping, unfamiliar animals who went to work growling and snarling, making it uncomfortable for all tranquility seeking beach go-ers. Naturally, the dog's owners barricaded themselves in the Schooner, oblivious to the ruckus animals, yapping on their cell phone. Members of the SOSC BOD turned their cheek, not wanting to offend prospective club members. But, the highlight of the afternoon was O'Riley found himself a new bitch and they took off where O'Really was eaten alive, head first, and died. Funny part, all this takes place beneath the "No Dogs On Beach" sign. One great thing regarding yesterday, I'm never returning to that poor immitation of the Colorado River.
TUBESTEAK/OUTRO

ON THE BRINK OF ANOTHER NERVOUS BREAKDOWN, BIGKOOK REQUESTED AN AUDIENCE WITH MENTOR--"SABLEAU THE PROPHET". You remember "SABLEAU", clairvoyant that he is, predicted the bursting of San Mosquito Dam, located outside Brea CA, sending jazzillions of gallons of water, mud, and gravel surging through Orange County, emptying into San Mateo Creek, sweeping hundreds of unwary campers, surfboards, tear-drop trailers, $250.00 black deluxe baby carriages, boogie-boards, into a watery grave, sucked to sea at nearby shark infested Lowers. "SABLEAU THE PROPHET" indicates the deluge shall arrive sometime today delivering a harbringer of doom. Look to the East this morning.
TUBESTEAK/NO.JOKE