Forewarned is forearmed! You're not going to believe wghat we saw moments ago at the "Shark Triage Staging Area. Seven AM more than 50 Maneaters cicling Seal Reef, venue for the San Onofre Paridise Beach Surfing Contest. Contest announcers were handed a "don't touch with a ten foot pole" hot list. A copy was handed me, you wouldn't believe what's on it. Believe me, if you saw what we saw this morning you would not enter the water for your heats. Why the Surf Club allows the contest to go on is beside me. The only thing to which you can compare the scene is the Maneating Shark Tank at Sea World. I never imagined Maneaters made noises, the water boils, sharks moan, seals, chewed, mutilated, are devoured then regurgitated into the crimson shorebreak.
Neon's heat is not postponed it's first in the water at 7:00 AM, Saturday. I think this may be the reason for staging the emergency vehicles up top. It's gruesome here. I'm going home.
TUBESTEAK/AMITTYVILLE

By the time you read this it may be too late. Thursday AM they are staging an emergency "Triage" area in the SCGE parking area high above San Onofre Paradise Surfing Beach.There will be White Shark Victem ambulances, Medivac Helicopter, fire equipment, Srate Lifeguards, and contest narrators. A last minute maneating shark watch discovered the return of the viscious, family of ugly maneating sharks ai a feeding frenzy off Seal Reef directly in front of the contest area, We're going to SANO the minute dawn approaches. Wish us luck, we'll need it.
TUBESTEAK/AMITVILLE

They sounded the all-clear signal. It's safe to enter the water's of San Onofre without being in a shark cage. THEBIGKOOK, realizing this has cut a deal with Tony's Market in order to sell provisions from THEBIGKOOK'S refrigerated RYDER truck this weekend at SANO'S Club Contest. THEBIGKOOK promised no fish tacos for sale. It's no longer a secret NEON is entered in the Senior Masters division, with good news: He's been awarded a white jersey which is, as you all know, "TOP SEED". Good Luck Tiger.
TUBESTEAK/MALI

The best part of a long journey is finally getting there>
TUBESTEAK/90265

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is going to break THEBIGKOOK'S heart. The USMC/OSHA weeks ago predicted a water spike, and this morning it happened. Yes, the temp at maneating shark's breeding grounds, 30' offshore, at ground zero for the contest caused the the closure of San Onofre Surf Paradise until further notice. Ranger Bosworth ordered 5,000 linear feet of x-tra sharp barbed wire to keeo surfers and gawkers off the beach. BIGKOOK was to pick up magnetic signs for his Great White Van today. It's 0600, B_K is pleading his case to Ranger Bosworth. His chances of winning are Slim and None. Slim just rode out of town 20 minutes ago.
TUBESTEAK/MALIB

Okay, gang, did yuu see this mornings edition uf The Orange County Tribune? THEBIGKOOK'S going cash in on his Sharkscapade this week at San Onofre Surfrider State Beach. The Tribune's Cover Story depicts a shark seventeen feet in length, leaping from the water ten feet in the air viontly shaking an innocent seal emtrapped in it's massive jaws.
The Surf Moe Accessory Company aggreed to supply THEBIGKOOK with 15 vinyl surf mattresses with a plexiglass shield for viewing the man-eaters as they breed 50' off shore of Old Man's surfing area. In order to protect his surf mat flotilla, BIGKOOK has engaged an accompliss called "The Jowl" who hates maneaters with a passiun.
TUBESTEAK/MALIBU

Last night at the club contest's announcers meeting guidelines were given. NO REFERENcE DIRECT OR INDIRECT will be made toward the crises
facing the Club Contest next weekend. Terms to be avoided by the callers are "RAZOR SHARP" "STILLNESS IN THE WATER" "INNERSPACES RUSHING FOWARD" SOUNDS OF UNDER WATER CREATURES" and mowt of all no playing the "THE THEME FROM JAWS" during the calling of a heat. Well this did not set well with the sharkmaster, THEBIGKOOK as he contracted with SURF MORE INC. for 10 inflateable air mattresses, complete with plastc window insert so his charges can view the ongoing shifting of the SHARK COLONY which has now move directly in front of
'OL MAN'S, the GROUND ZERO of the contest. This is not what SHARKMASTER/THEBIGKOOK anticipated. He called BULLSHIT on the Surf Club and will demand a SPECIAL SESSION this afternoon to clear the air.
TUBESTEAK/MALIB