EARLIER TODAY AN EXASPERATED ELDERLY CLUB MEMBER ASKED why do you spend so much time bickering amongst each other about TUBESTEAK'S JUNTA versus SOSC BOD all of the time? I believe at the beach everyone steps to a different drummer. The beat I hear [s one of tranquility but that is of what I dream. In our world the ocean is blue the water is clear. Rivers and streams run deep, fish are plentiful. Mountains are a majestic purple in the afternoon sun their peaks mantled by glacier white snow caps. Green meadows, blades of grass vibrating in the noon breeze, spread as far as the eye can see. San Onofre is a safe harbor filled with wind chimes and fluffy clouds. Please Mr. No more nice guy and Junta TUBESTEAK, cut the SOSC slack and go back from where you came. Thank you. Mrs.Leary from SJC.
TUBESTEAK/OUCH

THE "PRIMITIVE DIRT ROAD" LOOKED LIKE SOMETHING OUTSIDE OF BAGHDAD. Ranger Cadet Craig "Mr.Enforcement" Ephraim stood dead center in the middle of the road, his bull-horn clutched firmly in his right hand , a huge role of yellow Mylar DO NOT CROSS--POLICE LINE tape in his left. He wore a new TUBESTEAK'S JUNTA bulky Tee Shirt, "NO MR. NICE GUY" on the front, and "THE BUCK STOPS HERE!" on the back. He pulled from his new fanny-pack a miniature spiral note pad of suspicious characters, STARWARZ, BIGKOOK, RUSTY, CRAIG KEMZ, NeoN's Great Lake surfer bro. When you saw this figure blocking passage along the road, you knew SOSC BOD had been put on notice. It appears they're days are numbered. The vote to remove the present 25 member's, yes, 25 members, will be taken Sunday at the new "CITY HALL" where the dilapidated palm frond shack is. Solag Disposal Dumpster is scheduled to be emptied this morning and if "NO MORE MR.NICE GUY" sees any of the names on his black list "Heads will roll". Good luck TUBESTEAK to you and your JUNTA, San Onofre needs a good house cleaning.
TUBESTEAK/DRANO

I THINK THESE GUYS ARE DEAD SERIOUS. TUBESTEAK and his JUNTA, Ranger Dairywimple, Traffic Chairman "Enforcement the Enforcer", traveled up north to County Seat for Legal Aide regarding their new Bylaws and Rules and Regs. The Public Defender counseled them to initiate a new "get tough " policy for this coming summer. Counsel agreed it was unnecessary for 25 people as "so called" BOD when the incoming BOD can do it with only four directors. With the severe increase, a doubling of dues, the new BOD can live comfortably with the profits. Ranger Dairywimple says the State will waive insurance demands and "hold harmless" the new BOD, Ranger declared another savings up to $25,000.00 per annum that the new BOD can spend on their Annual Banquet, plus excess funds will cover all unforeseen expenses incurred by the incoming BOD. Counsel suggested it won't be easy. but keeping a "stranglehold"on the membership is the only way the new BOD can survive. Ranger Dairywimple said we're not in this to win a popularity contest. Guess what additional "club activities" will be voted to cease and desist by the Junta?
TUBESTEAK/MISTER.HYPNOTIST

RESPONSE FROM CHICAGO, TUCSON, NEW ZEALAND, RIVERSIDE, as phenomenal for TUBESTEAK'S entry into the SAN ONOFRE political arena as "EL PRESIDANTE" of the SOSC, 2004. Great campaign slogans poured in yesterday, one of my favorites, TIPPECANOE AND TUBESTEAK TOO, I BRAKE FOR STEAK, A CHICKEN IN EVERY POT, and a favorite from Ranchita Talega, HEADS WILL ROLL. I hear this weekend, a CANDLE LIGHT VIGIL shall be held at the new City Hall at Old Man's, commemorating the outgoing BOD. Estimates were given for the new flex asphalt road, line painting, log removal, striping, for a low cost of $134,000.00, not bad as the bill will be sent to the outgoing BOD. Ranger Dairywimple is expected appointation of Craig "The Enforcer" Ephraim as Director of Parking for TUBESTEAK'S new Junta. Which we think is pretty neat because Enforcer rides around in his new Ranger Green golf cart and his chalk hook to mark tires for overtime parking. The Good News, Bad News. Someone misdirected some BOD members telling them their Surfrider Foundation has surplus funds for their ongoing service to the SOSC. Boy, are they in for a surprise.
TUBESTEAK/WINNER

I, TUBESTEAK/MALIBU, GRACIOUSLY WILL RUN FOR PRESIDENT of the SOSC this year. My first Official Act as The Prez' will be to pave over that worthless, antiquated dirt road with flex asphalt, allowing more cars in and eliminate those greedy, "Just saving it for a friend," "so called members". No backed up parking for 5th generation Pasadena "members". All spots shall be clearly marked to eliminate cheats. The second Official Act will be trimming the deadwood. I will cut the BOD from 20 down to 4. They are Me, the Treasurer, a Sergeant at Arms, and Park Advisor, Ranger Dairywimple. I guarantee we will run a tight ship around here. Another first, no contestants over 40 is eligible for the Club Contest. If you haven't made by 39 you just ain't gonna' make it. Period! I will have the Club pay 100% of the stable upkeep at the south end of the road at the corral. {Pets MUST be locked in the automobile and not be allowed to wander aimlessly on the beach. Barney Wilkes is gone, so is the campy Hawaiian atmosphere. I, as President will put the "FUN" back in surfun'. If you're happy with the '30s and '40s, don't vote for me and my hand picked junta. Mediocrity is not my middle name. It's gonna' be my way or the Highway. One bonus for all: We've signed a "sweetheart deal" with Tony's Catering Truck's return. Have fun. Enjoy your summer with us.
YOUR. PRESIDENT/TUBESTEAK/90265

DON'T LET THE TIME AND DATE FOOL YOU. THIS IS MONDAY AM. Ranger Dairywimple almost lost it yesterday. Martha Sue Kimberly lives in Ranch Talega Norte and when she came to Rancho San Onofre yesterday she inadvertently transported a Cleg. Clegs are female, blood sucking horseflies that bite and bite hard. She arrived early, parked by the Bamboo Forrest, spread her beach towel, rested her pretty head, and nodded off. Moments passed and there's a horrifying, blood curdling scream, rousting everyone on the beach, especially Ranger Dairywimple, whom as you know, was furloughed from Mental Prison Atascadero on a 51-50 chargeTuesday. As the Ranger reacted to scream, he wheeled, pulled his 9mm cannon, shot instinctively, killing the horsefly, it's innards splattered all over Martha Sue scaring the living bejeezus out of her. The State Dept. of Parks and Recreation will welcome any eyewitness accounts.
TUBESTEAK/FREEZE

EACH DAY AT RANCHO SAN ONOFRE IS LIKE 12/7/41, A DAY OF INFAMY. Yesterday was no different, lines are long as ever, their "primitive dirt road" closed "due to" [because of flooding], requests such as, "Can you help me zip up my wet suit," observations such as, "It sure is warm in the sun." It looks for sure Rancho San Onofre is truly a family beach. Ranger Dairywimple is back from his "leave of absence to the State Mental Facility in Atascadero, Ranger Cadet, Ephriam was fortunate his cronies, just the day before, went over the beach with a fine tooth comb, so to speak. Ranger Dairywimple nodded his approval, "Nice work, Ranger Ephraim." One other honorable mention, beach dog, Yappy, gobbled up as the latest shark victim, had a Memorial Plaque donated from excess Club Tee Shirt profits. It shall be placed beneath the newly designated, "City Hall" (Old Man's) area. One not so nice note, characters lounging in front of Bldg. #4, Toilet #6, are beginning to acquire an attitude for Spring Break.
TUBESTEAK/LET.THE.GAMES.BEGIN