DATELINE 8/10/2004 CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR
FRIDAY'S A.M. RECAPITULATION SAN ONOFRE STALAG 4 LATRINE #1
After a late arrival "Beach Inspection", Park Supervisor,
Schnabel, assisted by trainee Karl Schultz, stumbled upon
the "Giant Beast" shoved into one of the stalls. Schnabel
wanted answers. On his bullhorn he ordered Ranger Ephriam, attending an "old folks" guitar and jug band (while on State's payroll). Ranger excused himself and ran to Stalag #4 where
Schultz and Schnabel stood, with swagger sticks poised.
"Good evening, Herr Hauptman, vas is los", said Ranger Ephriam.

Both Schnabel and Schultz rolled their eyes as if what's
this guy saying?

"What is the meaning of this, Ranger?" said Schnabel pointing
his swagger stick at the "Giant Beast".

"Well sir, the "Beast" washed ashore yesterday and we're
awaiting disposal instructions from headquarters," said
Ranger. Schultz noticed a huge piece of flesh missing
from "Beast's" rear end. "Beast" had swollen thrice
it's normal size, and after days of laying around had
started to ripen. Schultz looked to Schnabel for advice.
Down from the Stalag, across the "primitive dirt road",
the State had within 24 hours annihilated the "Bamboo
Forrest and Banana Plantation, leaving a ditch resembling
a mass grave.

"It appears a man-eating shark put the bite on him,"
Schultz couldn't hold back a guffaw.

"Nice one, Hauptman," said Schultz.

"We will dispose of the "Beast" now, won't we Ranger?"
said Schnabel, "Do those banjo players have a permit to
perform on the beach?

"No sir, they don't," bleated Ranger Ephriam.

"Order them over here, and we shall issue them one,"
said Schnabel, "if not the beach is shut down." Schnabel
meant business. Ranger whistled for the band to come
forward. Disgruntled the sidemen came to the latrine.
Looked at the "Giant Beast" sprawled on the concrete
front of the public drinking fountain. Schnabel ordered
Schultz to retrieve a chain from the State vehicle.

"You men, hook the "Beast" up and drag him to the open
pit across the road," said Schnabel, "Now!" The band
wrapped "Beast" with the chain, dragging it across the
road to the grave. "Ranger, douse him good with plenty
of gasoline and ignite it." The "Bamboo Room" players
did just that, and while the beach watched in horror,
Ranger Ephriam, holding it like it was the Olympic
Torch, threw the flaming stick into the grave and walked
away.
TUBESTEAK/UP.IN.SMOKE